Them Papers

Today I received the final divorce decree in the mail. Pretty standard
legalese and such. Definitely no surprises. And trust, I don't have
any doubt that I made the utterly correct decision HANDS DOWN. Yet, as
I read the words 'this marriage contract...set aside and dissolved
fully...as if no contract had ever been entered into', I think I feel
the stain of failure spilled across those typewritten pages. The very
feeling I was trying to avoid as I weathered the storm of a bad
marriage. I can't lie and say it's a good feeling. But I can say that
it's not quite as I had previously envisioned. It doesn't have the
sting of the slaps to my face, nor the stifle of being awakened from
sleep by hands clutching my throat. It doesn't hold the shame of being
wrongfully accused of carrying another man's seed. In fact, I'm not
even being trampled by what I thought would be a myriad of judgmental
looks and disapproving comments. In a nutshell it's far less damaging
than inhaling the fumes of toxicity that had engulfed me beyond
recognition. I'm grateful that I came out with my life and my sanity,
because I recognize that many are not so lucky. I thank God that I
didn't have to stay for financial reasons (having a deadbeat husband
apparently has one perk, LOL!). I am forever thankful to the
MusicAddikt that helped me discover I deserved better. The Lord
aligned many stars to light my path and lead me out. He is SOOOO
merciful and good!

Don't get me wrong, the cold bed is the effin' pits and being a single
parent is at times a monsterous task. But I'm exactly where I should
be at this very moment. I'm a better me than I have ever been before.
I loved being married and sharing life with someone, unfortunately it
was the wrong one. I just believe my selection process was severely
flawed and it took being in a horrible situation to force me to
examine why. I still believe in the institution of marriage and I will
probably walk the aisle again if the right opportunity presents it's
self. But today I was more than ready for 'Them Papers' and everything
they stand for.

Each moment is customized

When you take the time to be engulfed in the moment, you can see that
everything about it is Divinely created for the individual that is
experiencing it. So no two experiences could ever be compared. So
never judge that of another.

Receive the unimaginable

Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I realizes that when you ask God for
something specific, you hinder the receipt of the gifts he has
prepared for us. If we are grateful for his gifts, he continually
gives us the desires of our hearts, but his version of those wants are
far greater than we could ever imagine. That's why out requests could
never encompass all that He wants us to enjoy.

Fwd: Drama Queen

> I have never fancied myself as much of an actress, especially since
> I am probably THE Worst liar ever (if not I'll do until he/she gets
> here). But I have reviewed some of the history between the cute boi
> and myself and I have to be honest in that I have gone overboard
> with overly emotional internal responses on more than a few
> occasions. I of course would never admit this openly, but I figure
> writing about it here is at least a step in the right direction.
> Especially with his accent, I have misunderstood things many times
> and quit him in my mind only to find out later that I had inferred
> something that was not the case or mistook a word or three. So
> I think in addition to my quiet apology I have also learned a
> valuable lesson. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat anxiously
> anticipating this revelation. Well here it is in a nutshell, I need
> to 'Chill the F*** Out!' Seems like. A simple task and for most, it
> probably is. I of course am not one of those people. Which is
> clearly why I was on my way to give the cute boy the good bye
> forever speech for the umteenth time, but before I could do that,
> during a brief conversation, I realized that I had taken his silent
> pause as a far, far, FAR more than it actually was. The thought that
> it was just a silent pause never crossed my mind. In fact my
> beautiful mind concocted roughly 5-6 scenarios all of which cast him
> the part of the asshole. Hence the ensuing emotional response and
> subsequent banishment that I had planned. After talking to him I had
> to admit (only to my star MFin' player that I had gone way too far).
> Lucky for me, I deal with my neuroticism within, so no one was the
> wiser about my mental dalliance. But it begs the question, would we
> be further down the road if I wasn't continually pulling back and
> alienating him because of the stories I made up in my head??
> Definitely something to think about. Well as I go off to accept my
> internal Oscar for my stellar work as a drama queen in the comedy/
> drama that is my life, I'll have to give that question some much
> needed pondering and overreact accordingly.

Thanks for the reminder

I listened to the words you said. I wanted them to be true so badly.
In fact I went to that place at that time with that outfit on, b/c I
knew it would peak your interest. But I thought the outcome would be
am enlightened you. I thought you would have realized the magnitude of
your loss and attempted toake reparations. While my heart was clinging
to the words, craving for them to have a renewed depth and meaning; my
brain was screaming halt, check the actions for confirmation. I'm glad
that instruction was given, b/c as always you came through to show
your real intent, which rarely comes into contact with your words. And
with that comes that good reminder of why it will never be anything of
depth. That rude awakening is given once again. The expletives want to
roll off my tongue. But I must remind myself of these things: You can
only be who you are. And I would be insane to think that would change.
Not that it's an impossibility, it's just not where you are. Though I
have said it on far too many occassions, I must give you credit for
making it true; this is a done deal. I accept that and I release you
from every expectation that I ever had for you. Along with that is my
forgiveness for the hurt you caused as well as blessings and prayers
for you. My love for you has officially moved from the 'In Love'
column to the 'love for humanity' column. I'm allowing the seed I've
sown to be transplanted on good fertile soil instead of this barren
unproductive soil. God bless you and good night......

Feeling some kind of way

In general, it is safe to say that I am a pretty upbeat person. I have on more than one occasion received nicknames that included 'optimistic' as an adjective in front of it. So suffice it to say, that I rarely ever feel sad or down for very long. But today, I am feeling some kind of way. And I think it may be the prospect of the holidays as a single person. I won't be alone on the holiday. In fact, 90% of the time I have my two princes in tow, so I'm rarely ever actually alone. But it has been over 10 years since I was actually single during the holiday season. And I'm not quite sure what the protocol is for this. Now, I'm not complaining, b/c last Thanksgiving, I was wondering if I was going to receive a holiday smack or worse from the artist formerly known as my husband. I think the tinge of sadness that I feel is based on the knowledge that in spades terminology, I don't even have a strong possible. Which I have to say is of some concern. A - because I am not voluntarily practicing celibacy and a girl has needs. B - not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty fly as women go. And I mean that in a holistic sense. I'm talking total package (cute, fine, smart, funny, spiritual, financially independent, etc.) And I feel like I'm doing my part. I'm doing everything 'they' say you should do in life. But I am not meeting men that can say the same. And since my awakening, I have come to the understanding that I deserve reciprocity. I am trying to remain positive. It just gets a little heavy sometimes. I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. HO HUM!!!!!!

Contemplation

I went to bed with this on my mind and woke up with the same. I
continue to ponder this question in my mind 'Is a piece of you better
than nothing at all. In the scheme of things, this seems overly
dramatic. We are both single which means we are free to see whomever
we like. So while I am kissing (or better yet, not kissing frogs) is
it reasonable for me to keep you on deck for the intimacy that you
would provide? It seems like a no brainer. But the problem lies in
this fact. I am still in love with you. Which begs another question
'Can I limit my relationship with you to just the moments we share no
matter how few and far between those moments may be. The truth, I have
no effin' idea. Track record says probably not. But I didn't know what
I know now before. And when I think of the time we have spent, I feel
about ready to sign on for more. But with that, I go back on my word
and will you view me as just another with no resolve with whom you can
have your way with. You don't deserve my pie, yet I can't imagine
giving anyone else a slice. I can't expect your actions to be
different, so I would have to accept that I would be one of as opposed
to 'the one' and that can wear on the self esteem. But the alternative
appears much worse to me which is to not feel your touch at all, nor
have you say just the right combination of dirty words while you do
what only you can do, nor have you hold me with one hand and play in
my fro with the other. There are a number of things that I just don't
want to live without, but I also care not to be your fool. So I lie
here contemplating how I can make my next move my best move .........

In the Soup

Well today is like most externally. Kids, work, side hustle, kids, sleep and start the grind all over again. But something is different inside. I am starting to realize my purpose in life and it is leading to some significant plans. Its exciting and scary all at the same time. I guess I had a bit of what Oprah would deem an Aha! moment. But it seems like it would have been much more exciting, perhaps with a little pomp and circumstance. Maybe a few streamers and a horn. Or what about a few fireworks from the guy with the tent on the side of the road. Nope. Just me and an internal peace that everything will work out exactly as it should. Check me out sounding all existential and what not:) This year has been full of some amazing growth (which stemmed from a great deal of pain) and while I haven't arrived, I'm well on my way. I'm still battling with the crazy lady to keep herself composed. But I have to say, since I have cut out the drama that inevitably arises from loving someone that doesn't love me back - she hasn't really been coming around lately. And I'm not mad at her. I'm knocking on the door of harmony in life.

Now the question arises, is it possible to be in a relationship and still be in the soup of transformation? Do you have to become the final product first or is it enough that the person understands that you're on a journey and you would like them to ride shotgun. It seems like a reasonable request, except I hate long car trips (I digress). But seriously, I think it is all fine and good as long as the two of you are on a parallel journey. If you are both going, but at varying speeds, will that work? Or what if the journey becomes too difficult for one of you and you decide to stay where you are. Is that a relationship deal breaker? Questions, questions, questions???? And I haven't even found someone that I consider worthy of road dog status yet. The saga continues while I'm singing 'Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride'

Torn

You called because I haven't been calling you. And you feel the need to tell me you miss me, only because you suspect someone else is taking up the time that I used to infuse with you on any given opportunity. Why is it that my stock goes up when I try to move on? Even worse, he isn't you. So, while he is a good guy and attentive to me, you still have my heart. And I realize that at any given moment, if you decided you wanted me, I would hurt his feelings instantly and run to you. I know we could be together and he would treat me well and be proud to have me. But when I run to you, you will lose interest again and you won't be willing to give me what I need. So why is my heart torn. And why do I wish he was you. Why do I crave your kisses and your touch, when he would love to provide me those things? You are 'A' Soul mate. Notice, I no longer think there is only one. And I know we could have a beautiful life together. But because of your past, this has become so difficult. Now I am more confused than I should be based on our history. But my heart is unwilling to let go, though my brilliant mind quit you some time ago. Which means I am torn within myself, struggling between my heart and mind with neither being a clear victor in the arena of my soul. My heart believes that you are all that I want and need and we will live together in perfect harmony. But my mind only sees the pain you've caused and the sacrifices you aren't willing to make on my behalf. The truth resides somewhere in the midst of the two. And for now, I remain torn.

Still Wifey in my mind

Although the end of the marriage is close at hand and none to soon I might add, I have not come to terms in my mind with dating multiple people simultaneously. So when I start liking a dude, I'm good on putting my eggs in that basket, until they fall out of the proverbial hole in the basket. But apparently, that isn't the way the process works. I remember dating multiple people simultaneously when I had no intention of a relationship, but it seems difficult to focus on vetting relationship qualifications for more than one person all at the same time. I feel like my approach is more like going to one restaurant and getting different menu items each time you visit to determine the ranking of the restaurant. While multiple dating would be like going to a food court and getting something from multiple restaurants each time, but the items would all start to taste alike because you're eating them at the same time. You can't really give an unbiased opinion on whom had the best food, because everything is just kind of running all together.

I hate when I fall off my high horse

Okay. An unfortunate turn of events. I'm actually the one that is in
need of change. I have been sitting here all day, fancying myself so
perfect, but it is me that needed the lesson. I haven't yet mastered
it. And when I do(and know that I won't stop until I do), I will have
the secret figured out. This will rival any self help phenomena
around. So I must breakthru. And stop running. That is the
reciprocity, that you make me better by letting me humble my self and
be a servant when I didn't want to but it was the right thing to do.
So even if you never reciprocate it to me, my sown seed will return to
me in the spirit that I give. And we will both be better in the
process. But I will also have learned the lesson of unconditional love.

I feel the progress

Day 2 is now in the rear view mirror. And I'm beginning to see signs
announcing the distance until day 3 is complete. I don't want to be
with him less nor has the stupidity of love waned. But my perspective
is shifting. As I continue to review the reality of our
'relationship', it becomes increasingly clear that I'm fighting for
something that doesn't exist. A happily ever after that would not come
to fruition, even if we had the appropriate titles. My mind is
separating from my heart and taking a stand. This stand will prevent
me from making the mistakes of the past. I will no longer seek out
relationships based on glimpses into who a man can be, but I will
focus my selection process on the measure that the man displays
through his day to day actions. I know that within me is the ability
to draw this man to me, if I so choose to take on that endeavor. But I
vowed I would not do that again. Because two tick marks in the loss
column of me vs marriage has shown me that his presence will not be
enough. His actions would still have to line up or I will shut off and
release myself in due time. So I really do feel the progress and that
makes the pain of the loss a little easier to digest. I also feel
proud of myself that I am putting my best interest above someone
else's. And that is definitely a relationship road less traveled for
me. Day 3 here I come :)

Sent from my iPhone

It hurts to love you

I just realized how truly painful it has been to love you. The risk
has definitely not out weighed the reward this time. I keep trying to
channel all the pain out now to assist with the purge. But it seems to
be displaced because I have been experiencing it off and on for the
last 6 months since our inception. I guess that's why my ailed mind
clung to you. Because pain has become synonymous with love in my
thought process. How unfortunate that it took me almost 35 years to
realize that I was this screwed up mentally. But My God is sooooooooo
good b/c many never think to change their own mindset. And they let it
remain their norm. I refuse to be that person, and that will be my
motivation to get through these days. I will continue to focus on
embracing that someone can make me feel the same way you made me feel,
but be willing to give their heart in return. And they would never
accept me being hurt in the process. And that is not only highly
likely but also well deserved. Why would I accept less?

Day 2 is no joke

In the midst of day 2 and it seems particularly rough. I keep thinking
about all the things you said and all the actions. Why did you hold me
close to you and play in my hair. Why did you offer to take me on a
cruise? Why did always ask me to stay? How could you be so happy to
see me and hear my voice? Why all the acting if I meant nothing? Why
not just screw me and say you had to get up early. Why get me involved
in your business affairs? That's what I don't understand. You were
already getting the goods, why make it seem like it was more? This is
the reason that I'm so fucked up. Because I don't understand why you
would go to these extremes if it didn't mean anything. I mean really,
who does that? What kind of cruel demented person lives that way. I
want to ask you, but you won't tell me. And then I will be at day 1
again. And I can't stomach that again. I can't wait until the 21 days
have passed and you have been purged from me completely. There is no
rhyme or reason, so it makes me confused. And if I can't see the path
clearly the time seems to go by much more slowly. Come on day 2 Scram,
Beat it, knock about!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Somebody's fool

Everyone of my friends has only negative things to say about you. All
of them said I was too good for you and I shouldn't waste my time with
all of your mess. But I didn't listen. Because I wanted to believe
your words and the actions you showed on the rare moments that we
shared. The moments that only you and I know existed. These moments
made me into your fool. If I didn't have friends to talk sense into
me, I would be calling this very moment begging for your
consideration. I would be texting some extremely wordy text describing
why you should let me love you. I may even have left you a vm telling
you how everything would be better if you just gave me a chance. But
my pride won't let me do it anymore. I feel too ashamed to continue on
this route despite the internal drive to pursue a bleak road. My
saving grace is this outlet that I can share my emotions through and
pretend that you will hear and hope that you will care. Though
everyone keeps reminding me that you don't care and I mean nothing to
you. Inside I can't help but be your sucker for love. I'm merely
masking this by cutting ties. And day 2 continues.

Sent from my iPhone

Criminal Behavior

I'm up at 5 am on a Saturday, attempting to exhale my conflicting
emotions. I want to let the water inundate my body and wash away the
bottled up feelings that completing Day one of silence has created. It
has been close to 48 hours since we spoke and nearing 24 hours since I
sent the last message in a bottle. Enough time to run the gamut of the
stages of grief. Currently I am shuffling through loss and anger
peppered with moments of hurt, all marinated in longing. But I am
happy that I made it through the first day. Especially since I wanted
to make contact so many times. But I focused on other necessary
things. I pondered why you had such an issue working for me, when
these strangers that haven't experienced a fraction of the me that you
have are willing to go all out on a maybe while you could boast a sure
thing. I won't lie, I had a fleeting thought about begging. My pride
quickly dismissed it. I considered praying for you to get a grip on
reality before you squander a prize so great. I've desired to let my
hurt boil into rage and let the resulting steam cuss and hit you, but
I opted to simmer it into mild anger in the comparison of what the
other pursuers have already displayed. And that's when I started
charging you with crimes. Your record is becoming as long as my arm as
I review all the things that you should have been doing that you never
did. Yes, it is criminal to give less than you know is well deserved.
The validation that you held back and the time you neglected to spend,
but the most serious of offenses was to knowingly inflict pain on a
heart with little regard for the victim. You are now an offender
because you were a victim in the past. Even now that makes my heart
feel a pang of sorrow as I think about your pain and empathize with
how you must feel. But that doesn't give you the right to do that to
someone else. How could you do it in good conscience knowing where it
landed you? I think that's what stings the most b/c you didn't protect
me. Guilty as charged!

This needs to be the last time

Everytime I decide that it is over, I go through this sadness and feelings of loss. I need to be over this. I hate feeling like this. And I am fully aware that I'm doing this to myself. And it seems so elementary, but inside myself it is so complicated. I need this to be the last time, because I'm wasting my life longing for something that only I want. You wouldn't know it from the emotional rollercoaster that I'm continually on, but I'm actually not this person. I don't get emotionally attached to people and if I do, i can usually cut it off so easily. What has happened to me and why do I want to stay connected to this person, this drama, this hurt. My dealings with this lead me to this truth, as much as I've grown, I'm still broken. Mending yes, but not yet 100% restored. Because surely, it should be easy to let a situation go that causes more pain the pleasure. Especially, since there is no physical contact anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm honest above all else, and I know I will answer when he calls. And I will let him in if he comes by. I'm only succeeding in taking the pain in small doses. I so wish I never met him, but I did. Now What????????

I wish I never met you. Why did you have to suck me in. I wasn't bothering you at all. What a selfish asshole!!!

Ground Hogs Day

Day 1 - Take 3
Again I failed. Because I had to know if you had considered the
possibility of losing yor girl to the next man. And again your answer
was vague and uninformative. So in my mind I know you don't care. The
thought of me with someone else should send you reeling. And if you
can't verbalize that, your demeanor would still be unable to mask it.
The emotions that I assumed must truly have been just my imagination
running away with me. That being said, the third time will be a charm,
b/c, I will keep in mind the depth of your unavailability and the pain
that it causes me. While I know it's my issues with abandonment that
keep me in an emotional pursuit of the you that now I know I will
never have. I can't seem to stop myself. It's like an addiction. I'm
thinking of texting you right now. And you won't respond in the way
that I want you to. But I guess I need the straw to break the camel's
back. Some action or words that activate my fuck you gene. Something
that totally changes the way I look at you. But I know you won't
provide that b/c it's what I need and you seem to be incapable of
giving me what I need. Yet I still seek the validation of your love.
How sick and twisted of me.

Sent from my iPhone

I made a decision

Today I made a decision. And that is that I will not try to explain
the magnitude of the loss to you. Because if you don't already know
that, you are not all there. I just felt like I should warn you, b/c I
know how empty that space will be without me. You will try to fill it
with a substitute, but she will never be me. You will find out much
too late and for that reason I felt sorry for you. I tried to warn
you, but I guess you prefer to learn the hardway. That is so so
unfortunate.

Sent from my iPhone

Day 1 = Massive Fail

I couldn't last a day. What does that say about my level of stupidity?
I'm not sure exactly what it means. But after my two disaster phone
coversations from the dating site, my issues with him don't seem so
bad. But I know that is because I'm roughly a month out from the last
emotional wound. And I've stopped looking in the rear view mirror, so
the pain is very distant. whether it's love or pure dysfunction
disguised as stupidity, I don't know. What I do know is day one didn't
go as planned and he is still holding out hope and dangling it in my
face. Which, I can't lie, I want that hope because I want everything
to workout. I can't yet accept that it's really over inside even
though my intellectual side keeps reminding me otherwise. I am moving
on in action, but my heart still remains with this man that has
captured my soul. I know time will pass when I accept that it's over.
I'm just not ready to do that yet. Day 1 - Take 2.

Sent from my iPhone

Silence speaks volumes

My mind needed closure from all the mixed signals that you're so fond
of giving out. But as usual, you are too selfish to give me what I
need. I hate to think of you in the light that others have cast on
you. Yet, at some point I have to realize they can't all be wrong. As
Daddy would say, everybody was't at the crazy house while you were
away at college. I was holding out hope mostly for myself, b/c I
didn't want to be stupid. I wanted everyone to be wrong b/c they
don't know you like I do. I still find it hard to believe that you are
this person. I'm guessing that I'm the only one that is surprised. All
I ever asked of you was the truth. But that seems to be the equivalent
of multi-million dollar settlement to you. I always thought of you as
kind and good, but now I feel like you really are pretty fucked up.
Not because of what you do, but b/c you won't hold yourself
accountable for what you do. And just to be clear, this is what your
refusal to man up meant to me. Not only did you not have any honorable
intentions toward me when I was seeing you, but you haven't used me
enough in your mind, so you want to leave the door opened for more
fuckery. It also means that you are sowing some seeds that will reap a
not so pretty fold b/c your heart behind your actions is full of
deceit solely for the purpose of getting what you want. News flash
Buddy, your sex alone is not that great, as I mentioned after the
first time. It is the emotions that you falsely solicit that make it
something noteworthy. And that to me is why I will look at you in a
new light from this day forward. Because you don't just want to screw,
you want to feel loved. But the problem is you're too afraid to love
in return. I will continue to pray for you, because you so desperately
need it. Stop being a selfish asshole and deal with your issues. You
really are hurting people and I know you don't want that to come back
on you. Emotionally you couldn't take what you are so fond of giving
out.

Day 1

Sent from my iPhone

It's all clear

As I supposed the sign was already given. So I will take it as such
and stop fooling myself. The word of the day is L-I-G (Let it go)! I'm
ashamed of myself that I let the obvious fall by the wayside in the
hopes that love would conquer all. How utterly silly of me. Who is
this person I have become. And did I just become her, or was she there
all time waiting to be unearthed from the rubble after this soul
searching excavation that I have been experiencing. I need to get to
know myself again so I can evaluate how exactly I got here. And will
avoiding a similar scenario at all costs stop me from being free to
love? These crossroads continue to allude my sense of direction. I say
that, because I feel lost and without a plan of action. Just a need to
be out of this quandary ASAP!

Sent from my iPhone

The Sign

I prayed for a sign. Because I need to let go of you. I need to not
run from a man in the club that palms the small of my back the way you
do. I need to allow the other contenders a real opportunity to vy for
my affection. I need to not be consumed with you within this
controlled environment that I have devised between us. I want you
still. I can't lie and say that when I cut you off, I never thought
this much time would pass before you came to claim me. I just knew
that proper intentions would be stated and I would have a reason to be
pulled back in. I didn't think it would take you this long to realize
you couldn't live without me. I thought surely, that we would be
falling madly in love by now. But the sign I asked for has probably
come and gone. Because I don't want to admit that we won't be all that
we should be. In my mind i can't release all that we could be. I keep
making random chances to see you, because I know you will pull me
close to you as if you had been waiting for me. And I feel compelled
to make inferences from comments and gestures. I even feel inclined to
accidently on purpose eavesdrop on your phone conversation in search
of hints of my replacement. This is no life. But I just can't seem to
give up the ghost.

I never had to lig without severing all ties and cordiality. This ish
is much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel a little weaker for
being this women. I can see where emotions have gotten the best of my
usually logical mind. Which is so unlike me. Yet I can even make you
sound good on paper. In fact, I convince my star player of your merits
on a daily. I don't want to lose out b/c I couldn't stick it out. But
I can't confirm that my wait is not in total vain. Please Lord, send
me a sign.

Sent from my iPhone

miss me

The confirmation of the love makes my heart feel safer, but doesn't allow my logic to overlook actions or lack there of. Your touch, your kiss are imprinted on my brain. Your voice is butter, melting compliments and other sweet words into my ego through my ear. The connection that our soul made cannot be rationalized nor ignored. So as I lie here yearning for your presence, I know you do the same for me. I'm certain that the warmth of my supple skin is tempting you to come to me at this very moment. The gaze of lust evenly intermingled with intense fascination with every aspect of who you must be especially intoxicating to you, so I know you crave a stiff shot of the elixir that bolsters your manhood.

I'm not sad, but I do recognize that your space still remains, waiting for only you to fill it. But I won't ask again. The words have been uttered into the universe and what will be, will be. So miss me with the pretense of business as the reason for your call, because it is a poor charade for your inquiry into my dealings. I know you miss me, how could you not? But the weird thing is, you don't have to miss me. I'm available to you at every level that a person can be available to another. But I will not let you access those secret parts until you can release your fears and embrace your opportunity for what you so desperately long for.

The best you goggles are off

Now that I have taken sex off the table, I can look at you in the true
light of who you actually are. And that would be the selfish user
category. I've learned something about myself from this massive fail,
and that is that when I'm interested in a person, I view them as there
best possible person they could be. But as Choklate so simply states
'Time Tells The Greatest Story'. So now your actions have smoked you
out. And your sob story is just another way to take advantage of the
nurture that women are prone to, and take all that they are willing to
give while you know all along you are there only to pillage and
squander with no intention of giving anything in return. And that
makes you far worse than many b/c you actually knowingly play with
peoples emotions. At first I felt empathy for you, but now I feel
disgust b/c you are weak and pathetic. And playing the victim role so
you don't have to do what's right. Every time I think about your
methodology, I think about the depth of dirtball that you actually are
and I want something bad to happen to you. But that would make me like
you, and that is something that I will never be.
Kick Rocks,
G.

Sent from my iPhone

Moving Forward with just a little backsliding

Well, yesterday I decided to use the mercy seat for Mama and Daddy. I said what I needed to say for many years. And out the words came, without the niceties that you wrap comments in when you're talking to your parents. Although they were not there physically, I began to really let it all out. The tears flowed, but they cleansed me too. And not to say that this means I'm totally over it, but I do have a peace today, that I didn't have yesterday. The healing has truly begun. Even if I never say the words directly to them, to hear them was so therapeutic for me. It made me realize just how much I had bottled inside me and for just how long. I have to say, it is almost inconceivable that I could have gotten two people to marry me with the amount of excess baggage that I have been carrying around for all these years. I guess its a testament to my worth in a real sense of the term. Because I can honestly admit, that I was not mentally healthy until I decided at the end of last year to really deal with me. The road is rough and there is still a ways to go, but I'm moving forward in a way that I am soooo proud of myself for. I decided to stop running and I did. Now its time to fight for the life that I have always deserved. The difference is this time I know I deserve it and no one can tell me different.

Now the backsliding is a touchy subject, but I must keep it 100. I gave him my number again. I know, it defeats the whole purpose. But I missed him. Then I started being honest with myself and I realized I wasn't as in to him as I initially thought. I was just running from dealing with the real issues at hand. So I called, then he called, then he asked to see me and I said yes. Then he came over, and I came over and over and then he came too. I needed it. Perhaps we needed it, but I don't quite feel the same as I did on the day before. I don't feel the urgency with him that I once did. I wont lie and say I don't Love him, because I do. But now I am really reviewing whether or not that makes him worthy of relationship me. I know with certainty, that we could be together long term. But perhaps I would be settling. I'm really confused about this whole situation. What I do know is that I'm on my way out emotionally. Partially, because I restricted him for the last 3 weeks and that's how long it takes to break a habit. So now I'm used to being without him. And part of it is, working on me has become more urgent than working on us. And I realized after he left, that a day will come when I could easily walk away from him. But it wasn't that day, nor is it this one. In the words of a true backslider - 'It is what it is'

Those aren't your tears

I start this off by saying, God is Good all the time and All the time God is good. Today was an awakening for me, because I realized I'm not crying over someone that I spent maybe a month of hours with over the course of 6 months. I'm crying for all the tears I never shed. I'm crying because my mother was in prison for most of my childhood. I'm crying because my father was a crack addict that abandoned me at 15. I'm crying because I've lost two marriages/two families. Yet as I look back over my life I realized that I had never shed a tear for these tragedies. I cut off emotionally, and I moved on mentally. But I realize now that, the pain didn't heal, I just buried it away far from where I would ever be able to feel it. And now on something as trivial as a fling ending, the tears have begun to shed. Not because I was so in love with this man I barely knew. But because the cistern is finally full and the tears are overflowing. They are cleansing, so I will let them flow, despite the redness and puffiness that comes with them. I will let them flow, so I can heal the wounds of my past knowing that when they are dried, I will have weathered this storm and not just hid myself away from it until it passed. I will be the me that I dreamed of being when I prayed that 2009 would be a transformational year. What I'm most excited about is that when I have cried all the tears, I will be full of hope again. Ready to embark on this thing we call life.

Dead to me

Today when I woke up, the thought of you entered my mind immediately. But instead of the surge of longing that usually accompanies the thought of you were these words 'He's Dead to me'. I realized shortly thereafter, that today was THE day. October 12th. Exactly 6 months ago we had our first date, kissed for the first time and though I'm not proud of this fact, we screwed too. I immediately regretted it, but when we began making love a few months later, the regret quickly waned. Well let me rephrase that, when I began making love to you. In retrospect you were still screwing me. And months ago I had decided that this would be the cut-off point. That I would accept at that point that because of how we started we could never be anything more. But I still hoped. I hoped that you were genuinely the man that I thought you were in the moment that I decided to break the rules and let you know me biblically. I was sucked in by your accent and how you seemed to be so enthralled with me. But how quickly that ended after you tasted the sweetness of my loins. Yet we muddled on for these few months seeming to gain ground only for it to be pushed back again and again.

Six (6) months is how long they say it takes for a man to decide you are worthy of a title. Since you continue to refer to me as a friend, I guess I can come to terms with the obvious. I'm not her. So the funeral is today. Not because of what you didn't do. But because of what I know I deserve. You don't get to string me along. We had our fun and I loved you with my entirety. But we, you, us is now dead to me. I wish you well, knowing you will never be the man that you could have been, because you are not willing to risk leaving behind the pain of the past to embark on something new. And perhaps for that reason, it is best that I never received a proper title. If I had, I would not have rested until I loved you through that pain and showed you what a relationship should be like. I guess that was not my purpose. Funny how everything all came to a head the day before this dysfunctional anniversary. You added a code to your voicemail, my final call was unanswered and in two weeks you never came to claim me. The writing is on the wall and I guess its time you were dead to me because I have been dead to you for sometime now......

The nights get hard sometimes

The boys are gone and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Its true what they say, it is a loss and you must grieve. But why does it have to hurt so much. I wish you would come to the door and tell me you can't live without me. But I know in my heart that that moment will likely not occur. All I wanted was to love you and simply for you to love me in return. Despite my knowledge of your emotional unavailability hiding under the guise of a lackluster relationship in which you refer to her as friend after more than a year. You say she is the reason, but I know she isn't. I know you are hiding because you are afraid to risk being involved at a level that could eventually cause you pain. Right now, in the midst of the pain, I can't say that I blame you for wanting to avoid it. But I'm not a punk. I won't give up on the possibility of love. It will be a hard road back, but I will weather the terrain. I feel stupid for wishing you would want me, but its the reality of my existence today. Soon I won't feel that way, but that is not today. I got so low today, that I called. But you didn't answer and I remembered why I ended it. That is the feeling that I want to forget and never encounter again. The feeling that I know I would continue to feel if I held on for the good moments. And there were good moments. I knew I would love you from the moment you kissed me. How could that be empty to you? How can you fake that? You should be an actor. But I guess you were and I was the sole audience member watching the show. Your performance was believable to me. I would nominate you for an Oscar. Because I believed that I couldn't be this far in with someone that didn't feel equally for me. But I was wrong. I was the fool. Or as you say a 'Sucker for Love'. in my mind, I can't fathom that you don't miss me. Or that you don't crave my affection. Was it that simple to write off. If so, give me a lesson so I can be over you too.

I'm holding my tears back, but they are brimming out. Maybe if I let them flow, they will wash away the pain. I better let them flow. I need the release.

Role Playing

My mind came across this last evening and continues to dwell on it this morning, so of course I must share. Good sex is wonderful (I like it, I love it, I want more of it :)), but devoid of a relationship it is lackluster and unfulfilling. This is why I felt the unrest inside about us. Because I see that you are a Man in every since of the word. So I assumed that that would transpire into you being my Man. But of course the old adage about assuming is always lingering around to make an ass out of me. At this age and stage in life, I'm done playing. I came to terms with a very important truth about myself, I want a Man or nothing at all. Because anything less would only leave me longing, as two failed marriages and the remnants of what we had clearly display. And while I know you could very easily fill the role of my Man, you would only be playing a role if it isn't what you want. Much like I have been playing the unknowing role of side chick or cheated on chick (not quite sure which one at this point), but no more. Life is short and real Love is too sweet to waste time pretending to be something that you're not nor do you want to be. Selah.....

Technology is making me do some crazy ish!

All I was trying to do was use a little web application to call directly to your voicemail, so I could answer the question that you asked me without have to speak directly to you. And low and behold the application called directly into your voicemail, for which you don't have a password. So of course, I had no choice but to listen to all your messages. I was grateful to know that you had been saving my messages and there weren't any other messages. But now I have to keep checking to listen to any other messages. I want to hear her voice and know that her calls aren't always answered. I want to hear the level of urgency in her voice when she says call me back. I want to hear her panic level when you haven't called for a while. I want to know if she loves you more than I do and why you have to keep seeing her. I want to hear what it is about her that makes you want her around, but not enough to committ to her and not start seeing me. As if I could hear that in her voice. But maybe it takes one to know one.

The funny thing is I called the soon to be ex-husbands phone to see if it would work. But I had no desire to hear his messages. What exactly does that mean? I'm not quite sure, but I know that I'm in love with you and only you. Which is why I am currently crazed. My appetite is at a bare minimum, the house is a mess, I haven't cooked in a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Which is exactly why I didn't need to find out I could hear your messages. I didn't need to find any other anonymous way to stalk you while I'm waiting for you to demand that I give you my new number and talk to you again, or as I look out the window for your car in the drive way as you knock on my door to convince me that you can't live without me, not even while I'm waiting for you to realize that you Love me more than you realized and these days with out me have been torture. Anytime now will be fine........

Same ole' Same ole' but Finding the Way

But this time there is Eric. Eric Roberson that is. I'd like to take this time to give him a shout out for letting me wet my pillow with tears as I listened to 'FInd the Way' over and over and over.....you get the picture.

'How can I have you and never really have you? At least not like I want to'

Call me crazy, but I thought you were sincere. I thought we were going somewhere. But maybe I just told myself that to make me think I was more than a repeated sexual conquest. Perhaps I needed to believe it to function in the "relationship". Who knows now, because hindsight is always 20/20. Well I blinded myself for LOVE again. I loved you, but the feeling clearly wasn't mutual. That's why you could be laid up with the next, while I couldn't rest as I wondered why the phone hadn't rung for 3 nights in a row. And we hadn't been on that path for a few months, so it was surprising. But mostly hurtful, because I thought we were past that. I guess I was but you weren't. I guess it was easier to lie to me than to just say, 'we will never be what you want and need'. You owed me that much at least.

'Your heart should not be shared, or should not be compared to any other love thats there. That's just not fair'

As I knocked on your door after midnight, with my ear to the door, I heard the Chi-lites singing 'Didn't I Blow Your Mind This Time' and truly you did that. At that moment, what I already knew in my gut became crystal clear to my ears and eyes as I watched the door not open. The one that you claimed to not be seeing anymore, was in fact being seen and presumably screwed as well. While I banged like a crazy lady outside the green door wanting an explanation. Yes I came over uninvited! Just as you did at my door a few nights prior. But fortunately for you, my heart never lied so I welcomed you in and made love to you as though your unexpected arrival was the highlight of my day. However, I did call first. In fact I called several times, but you decided I wasn't deserving of an answer. Which is why I drove 40 miles in the middle of the night, because I had to know. And I couldn't accept the words that you were saying because they were so removed from the truth and I sensed it with that knowing intuition that God gives us. And now I KNOW. That we were just a figment of my imagination. That all the words you said meant nothing more to me than the carbon dioxide that came out of your mouth with them. A waste product that I was taking in as I breathed you into the core of my being. But I'm choking now, because I mistakenly accepted those garbage words as life's breath when in fact it was just Co2 being emitted.

'I'm down to lose you for a chance to gain you. Even if all I gain is the respect that you see in me'

I would be lying if for a moment I said I no longer love you. But that too shall pass. Maybe not entirely, but enough so that I can move on and let someone else benefit from the depth, the height and the breadth of the love that I was offering you. Of course I will continue to wonder why you turned down so precious a gift from so stunning a gift giver. But I will never truly know. Because you will only lie. That is why my number is changed. That is why I can't even know you any longer. All I wanted was to love you and for you to love me too. I accepted you as you were. And it was enough for me. But I guess it was too much for you.

'You know that I need you, but boy not this way. I want so much more than what you'll give today'

Right now the days and nights are just running together with the hurt and pain as I grieve the loss. Wondering if you care and to what degree. But that offers no consolation to my tears. What solace can there be in unreciprocated love? So I'll continue to comfort myself with Eric's words and wet the pillow with my tears and then this too shall pass......

'If its meant to be than I trust that it will find the way'

What happens to love when you can't release it fully? Does it eventually die or does it continue to simmer until it boils over and makes a mess?

Long time coming

I haven't posted in a while and I can tell. I have so much stuff rolling around in my mind, that I can barely function. This must end! The problem is the wireless at my new locale SUCKS!!!! So I have to find an alternate location or a better service provider. All are presently under consideration. But just to give a few updates. I'm a little closer to being divorced - the papers are filed and published in the paper. The cute boy and I are still doing something (I'm just not quite sure what it is we're doing). And I teeter between depression and jubilation based on my current state of thought on an hourly basis. My friends and family are doing well and that is a source of contentment and joy. Life, in the words of my girl Erykah Badu 'goes on and on and on and on, Mad props to the god Ja'Born.

I no feel good. Being sick on the weekend is soooo unfair!!!

Funny you ask, why am I giving you trouble? I'm thinking why does this have to be so complicated. Why can't I just love you and you love me back.

Truthfully, the moment is all that's guaranteed - Janita

I'm refocusing my priorities, because the summer of fun is about to come to and end.

Its a shame that you went from 'The' dude yesterday to just 'A' dude today. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Today I realized I have not done anyone any favors by letting them get away with substandard. This is a new day. When you know better, you do better!

It is done.....

I have said this before, but something is different today. I think it has to do with the realization of what I am asking for. The old me would be perfectly fine with convincing someone that I am the right choice for him despite the fact that he has done nothing to earn me. I'm over that. I have screwed him for the last time and I will talk to him on my terms. No more door mat. If he wanted or even deserved me, he would step his game up. I vowed after BD2 that I would never chase again and I mean that. Maybe I will spend some lonely nights, but I'm doing that now for the most part. And at least I won't feel stupid later. I am good for cutting someone off and that *ish has happened as of today. I will drop by in a stunner outfit on Friday or Saturday to drop off the CD, but I will not accept anymore invitations to your house. I will always love you, because I don't think that ever goes away. But I will no longer act upon it.

Deuces,
G.

Why is it when I go a few days without talking to you or seeing you, I feel sick. But it seems to have no effect on you????

Now I pose this question to myself...Why do you want what you can't have? Shouldn't rejection and alienation be a deterent? What's really going on?

Now the crazy lady wants to know if you're alone. In the scheme of things it shouldn't matter. But it does.

Its the third day of my self-imposed hiatus from you. Not 1 oz of how I feel is waning. I don't really want it to, but I need it to. Being 'Grown' is hard!

They say the best distraction is someone else. Yet I'm in the company of another with the cute boy on the brain. Got to be more careful!

If you only knew how you have me sprung. No one would believe it, if I told them myself. I almost feel guilty for not letting you in on the secret.

And I really do feel sad that you're dealing with so much that you can't rest at night. I'm praying for you.

I want to call you or text you and tell you that I know its Friday and you're busy, but I hope you're having a good day and I'm sorry you didn't sleep well.

That good foolishness

Why is it that my phone is ringing off the hook with calls from undesirables, but the one person that I want to call me is on depressed mode. Why isn't it clear to him that being in my presence is like being in the warmth of the sunlight with a cool lemon-aid. Why turn your back on the good that is right there for you? Oh well, I won't beg you. Keep in mind there is always someone trying to take your spot. Step your game up, Homie!!!!!

Is it wrong to want to feel loved even when you know the feeling is not real?

Message to the cute boy

Dear cute boy,

It all seems so simple in my mind. I could love you and you could love me and we could have a great life together. But if you know anything about me, it is that I am a thinker. And I have thought about it long and hard and I realize it isn't that simple for you. I feel really sad that you are carrying around this burden of hurt from your ex. What she did was wrong and it isn't fair that the family had to be broken because of it. But it has been almost 3 years and at this point you are giving her your life. Don't let her win. Don't let her actions rob you of what life has to offer you. I'm sure you are about to let me slip away, because you most likely won't come to terms with this before my cutoff point. Nevertheless, I want you to get past this for someone else. Your heart is sooooo good. And I think you are a wonderful man in so many ways that you probably don't even realize. You deserve to be with someone that will appreciate you, but don't forget that you have to reciprocate that as well. I wish you all the best in life and I can't lie I will be hurt when I end our relationship. Mostly because we will have missed out on something that could have been great. Timing is everything and I guess it just wasn't our time. I can only say this in cyberspace and your ears will never hear it....I LOVE YOU! In fact, if I would let myself be free to do it, I could very easily be head over heels in love with you. But I know that you couldn't return that love, so I hold it close to me and act nonchalant about this whole thing. When in reality, you are constantly on my mind and I just wish you could love me. I have even shed a tear or two. I wish you well and my greatest wish for you is that you allow someone to love you. I promise you it will be life changing and it will heal the brokenness in your soul.

Love Always,
G.

Its funny that you think b/c I want to spend my time with you that you're the only option. You just happened to be lucky enough to win the prize. But you won't claim your winnings. Its sad really.

I'm letting go, slowly but surely. And I will always think it could have been great. But only if both wanted it equally.

I'm pretty sure this is a teachable moment. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning.

Its not enough and it won't ever be. So why am I playing this game? If you know tell me.

I guess he won't ever really notice.

I was always the prize. Now I understand that the prize is earned. The prize doesn't earn the winner.

I'm getting the hang of this loving myself first stuff. Its not as difficult as I thought it would be.

Another drawback to being single, you can't have afternoon delight on the spot. In the words of Florida Evans 'Damn, damn, damn!'

Why don't husbands freak their wives??????

Question. Since men love sex and are consumed with it, wouldn't it go without saying that he would want to tryout all the tricks in his arsenal and any new ones on the the woman he chooses to spend the rest of his life with. That would be a NO! Now, don't get me wrong. If the wife come out of the bag with something, he will be happy to oblige her (unless its so kinky, that it makes him start asking probing questions about her past). But when was the last time a husband called his wife and firmly said "When I get home I'm going to bend you over the kitchen counter and screw your brains out. Have your panties off when I get there." I know men are thinking my wife doesn't like that kind of stuff, she's a nice girl (and she probably is), but what men fail to realize is that women (marriage material women) are saving their inner freak for the one that they love. In the same way that your side chick/jump off likes you to talk dirty to her and come by every once in a while for an extended 'grown folk' session, YOUR WIFE DOES TOO!!!!! So although she may not have done that type of thing before, don't be fooled into thinking she wouldn't be very receptive to the idea. Don't get me wrong, sometimes you do want to make slow passionate love to your spouse. But sometimes you want to be treated like your man's desired whore that he can't wait to devour. Its the equivalent of restaurants, in the sense that you don't want to eat at a 4 star restaurant every night, sometimes you want casual dining or even fast food from the drive thru.

Before you decide this is just a horny wives rant, think about this... What women do you know that has an attitude when she is being well screwed? Don't rack your brain thinking about, because there isn't one. You talk about a man getting respect around the house when he is freaking his wife. You're getting all your favorite meals, no nagging to be heard of, etc. Everything just seems a little more relaxed when wifey is properly sexed up.

Now, the thing for men to remember before you go and try this is timing and preparation. Don't give her the aforementioned call when you know that the kids are all sick and she has a major project due at work the next day. What this requires is paying attention to your wife's day to day occurrences and gauging her mood. It can't be done on a sporadic basis, because you wont get the response you want and you will think its because she doesn't want to do it, when its actually just a bad day. Try calling her mid-day(lunch time) with a 'I was just thinking about you and I wanted to hear your voice. How is your day going?' This will let you know what she has planned for the rest of the day and if she might be in the mood for a little freakin'. But don't let the cat out of the bag, by asking her if she wants to screw or she feels horny? Just be cool. [Note:Now if you just do this out of the blue and you've never called her on your lunch break before, then you will probably have to do this a few days in a row to build her confidence that you are genuinely concerned and not trying to get something.] In fact, keep the mindset that you are trying to do something for her. It will of course benefit you as well, but you can't focus on that initially, because you will lose your cool and become anxious. If she seems like she is having a good day then consider your childcare situation. If you can't come straight in the door from work putting it down, then you may have to adjust your time to something more conducive to your schedule. Like asking her to meet you so you can eat her for lunch or ask her to leave work early and meet you at the house before its time to pick up the kids.

Caveats: Bear in mind that if you start doing this, you can't stop. She will crave it and will be very unhappy if you stop. But trust and believe you will have a marriage that is the envy of your friends and family. I'm talking 'Will & Jada', ALL GOOD ALL THE TIME. Try it and see exactly what results you get.

The cuteboy got a walk to first base, due to the kindness of my heart and the horniness of my body.

The cuteboy is at his final at bat. The first pitch has been thrown. Strike 1!

Why does every accomplishment seem trivial when there is no one to share it with?

Love and life are not for the faint of heart. I said goodbye to the cute dude. What's sad is, he doesn't even care.

In the Chi feeling like I have been missing a little piece of home.

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the need for love comes before the need for esteem.....Interesting. I guess Sade was right and love is stronger than pride.

Hard for a pimp such as myself to admit, but the cute dude has me sprung. What to do, what to do???

The Real Me/Control Freak

Long time no write. But not for lack of eventfulness. Although a lot has happened, my journey has been pretty stagnant. Suffice it to say, the cute dude is still an issue along with the both BDs. But what I have come to terms with is the sheer complexity of who I am as a person. This realization of who I am and what exactly I require to live my best life is something that is even surprising to me right now. I consider myself to be pretty intelligent and a bit of a planner (those that know me will laugh hilariously at the bit part) and it has taken me roughly 34 years to realize that for all my planning and extensive thought processes, I can only control what I will do. This is unfortunate, because life would be so much better for all involved parties if they would simply follow the plans that I devise. Why must people be soooooo difficult????? Don't start, its a rhetorical question. I guess the real question becomes when will I be able to relax, relate, release. And sadly, I can't even pretend its on the horizon, because I can't even fathom how to begin the process of just letting things occur naturally. I want to be in full control all the time. But I guess people in hell want ice water. Next step - devise a plan to stop planning and overthinking. Hey, I have to take baby steps.

The crazy lady and the sexting, oh my!

The crazy lady within was just stopped in her tracks. I had to erase his number from my phone to keep her from doing the unthinkable. She's not mad though, which is probably why I was able to keep her contained so easily without so much as a fight. Ok, what have I learned from this.......

1) He's just not that in to you. (Which I think I already knew)
2) You aren't really the booty call type. (Which is ok, because the lack of sex was clearly making you rethink this)
3) Your time will come. (It will be worth the wait.)
4) Clearly, I shouldn't have unlimited text messaging, because of the following:

Confession..... I sexted him a message. Ok, since were being overtly honest here, I did it on 4 different occasions. It was strangely exhilarating. But of course in retrospect, I don't want him having those pics of me forever. In fact, I don't want him having them at all. This is what snapped me back into adult reality. You know when you hear real adults telling their teens "That picture will be all over the internet and there is nothing you can do about it." I don't think he's smart enough to post it on the internet. However, I just hate that he can say I did it. My closet freak got the best of me. She and the crazy lady are starting to get just a tad out of hand. But that is a whole other post.

And I hate starting over. I just need a benchwarmer until the my first round draft pick comes along.

What is a girl to do???? Or is this the warning sign that I need another friend to take this journey with? The problem is he already knows me biblically.

DEALBREAKER even if you're not in a 'relationship'??? That is my delimma. What am I willing to accept. It doesn't help that my panties get wet when I see him.

But he won't give that to me. And with that damn accent, I can't understand half of what he is saying anyway. So now the question becomes is dishonesty a

I mean, i'm no angel I have cheated and I have been the dreaded other women. But the all the cards were on the table and adults can make there own decisions.

For this arrangement to work there must be complete transparency and total honesty. I'm a big girl, I can handle just about anything that I am aware of up front

for anything serious right now. But my candidate is playing this game as if he has to act like it could be more and that is screwing everything up.

I'm sitting here contemplaiting wether I'm really capable of being in a friends with benefits situation. It seems so simple, considering I'm not ready

I finished my last final and now I can have a moment to breathe for just a fraction of a second.

I have been living a sequence of days that I will look back and laugh on at some point. The sooner the better, so I will start laughing now.

I was getting the blahs about my academic procrastination, but then I was reminded of the brilliant mind that I'm blessed with and realized "Its All Good"

I keep having naughty thoughts. But since I'm not seeing anyone there is no face. Just hands and a body. Strange huh?

The new locale is more than I could have asked for. Thank God for small miracles.

Its all coming together. Moving on Friday, filing the Big D on Monday. Best Life here I come!!!!

My internal crazy lady should not have access to a phone with a qwerty keyboard. She is capable of not calling a person. But she just can't resist sending a nasty text message when she feels it is well deserved. And it doesn't help that I'm watching my weight, so my internal fat lady is encouraging my internal crazy lady to act a fool!! In the words of DMX " Y'all gon make me lose my mind up in here, up in here!"

for me to follow, my father unwittingly made me such an indepth thinker that even though I have gotten myself enmeshed in these relationship pitfalls repeatedly, my mind can never accept them as logical and I realize that I need to escape the situation. I guess dear old Daddy was good for something.

So I can't be at all surprised that the men I have dealt with ended up taking advantage of all my attributes and never really offering any real reciprocity. Still, I believed their words even though the actions were so different. I know that I have value, but I guess now I must come to terms with being able to feel that I am deservant of someone of like value. It seems simple, but I still see myself being a self sabateur and not requiring what I bring. I
this is such a no brainer. For now, I resolve to fake it until I make it. So I am going to perhaps backburner E-harmony and any real dating prospects until I can work through this issue. One thing I can definitely say about this is, I am grateful that despite my mother being a subconscience example

Up after 1 a.m. due to 5 hour energy drink and another self-couching session. It has just occurred to me that being the daughter of a pimp is hard to shake emotionally. I realize that in every relationship I've been in, I felt like I had to have a higher stock than my partner so they would see the benefits of me and want to keep me around. And by doing this, I was pimping myself out, because I didn't require anything from them but words and the idea of family. Much like the average prostitute.

I just did something extremely stupid. I need to get my esteem together.

Blogging and maximizing my unlimited messages. I love it!!!!!

Your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear what your saying!!!!

I'm so grateful for this blog right now, because it is keeping me from being crazy stalker girl. Well the lesson learned is I have to monitor myself for listening to words that don't match actions. I can't lie, I was almost sucked in on two fronts this week. But thank God, I have this hatred of being made to look like a dumb a$$. Honestly, I believed him for more than a day and I had actually started feeling sorry for him. But one thing H1 left me with was to never let a man talk when you know he has lied, because if you have any emotional connection you will let him suck you back in. I have to keep it 100 and admit that it hurts that the one that you married, supported financially/emotionally and made you compromise practically every relationship standard you ever held for yourself doesn't even respect you enough to not talk to women on the cell phone that you are paying for for hours on end in the wee hours of the night when you have full access to review his account information. Hell, I guess it shouldn't be surprising since he had no problem choking, slapping and manhandling me. That's the biggest disrespect. This actually pales in comparison. Yet I was holding out hope that maybe he did really love me and was going to change to win me back. So much for that theory.

And the cute boy has already crashed and burned into the abyss of being a liar for no reason. It could have been an ideal friends w/benefits arrangement. Unfortunately, for the lady with the mostly impotent and sexually unimaginative soon to be ex-hubby this will never be. I totally fault myself for taking him seriously initially. That just goes to show that I am still a hopeless romantic and I do believe that people "fall" in love. I'm glad to know that I haven't morphed into a bitter man hater. Thank God I'm moving, and I can leave both of the lying degenerates behind pretty seamlessly. Of course there is the exchange of P2 from time to time. But by and large, I am out of the woods on any real emotional dealings. I think I may shed one last tear and then its a WRAP!

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, we took the jump with the Cute Boy. Do I regret it? No, because it made me realize that I want Love. One that includes intelligent conversation, stomach wrenching laughter and yes, incredible sex. But it has to be all of that. Any portion is not enough. Now don't get me wrong, the ink on the Big 'D' is not even dry yet. So I'm just having fun and making friends. If it turns into something else down the road so be it. But I have no expectations. Thats why I'm enjoying life taking one day at a time.

And just a side note, after "Super Dad" expressed that he had changed, he proceeded to tell me he wasn't going to argue with my pissy 'A$$'. Change? Really???????? Laughable. And I can't even give it anymore time and energy. Another day, a better way!

How important is intellect if I'm only dating????

The cute boy is soooo sweet, hard working, honest, cooks and did i mention cute. However, after 15+ hours of phone conversation in 5 days and a pending date, he has not said anything that has stimulated me mentally. I'm not expecting a rocket science dissertation, but maybe a mention of a book read or an insightful remark here and there. Maybe I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. I mean after all, I'm not trying to get married. I'm just a little afraid that the novelty will get old quickly and then I may actually want to be indulged in some witty banter peppered with moments of inspiration and muted brilliance. This isn't too much to ask, since I will happily return the effort.

Another bone of contention is that he has never asked me what I do for a living, what I'm studying in school or what my future goals/objectives are. I've heard that men don't want a women that is super focused on her career, but to not at all be curious about what I do all day seems extreme. And is that ok with me???? I don't really think so.

Now this is my quandary, I could definitely see myself having fun with him, dating and enjoying life for a little while. But will I get a little antsy when we can't have a conversation of any real depth. Or when he doesn't see why I have to stay in this weekend and finish a paper. And then will I have to look to his looks and island sexcapades to placate me. I mean, that doesn't really sound bad. But what if he wants to marry me at some point. Will I agree and miss out on something that is important to me or will I say no and break his heart. Its easier to get out of a relationship before it gets started. But that also means that I won't have given it a real chance. This must be the delima of many a man who marries a trophy wife. I guess women are really becoming equal. Thanks for nothing Gloria Steinem!

That precisely why you're my ex

My ex-husband volunteered to me that my Facebook picture (the same as my profile pic here) was very unattractive. First, I thought of cussing him and saying something about him and his 5'1" 4ft wide wife, then I thought better of that option and came to the realization, that his negative comments about me and constant berating was the reason our marriage ended. And I'm always glad for the remembrance of the ish-hole that was my marriage to come to mind from time to time so I will never long for anything other than a platonic relationship with him. In the midst of the second big D, I was initially tempted into remembering only the good things about this dude. But he never lets me down and always comes back to the table with his reigning title of A$$hole Supreme whenever there is any extended communication between us. I could go on in a barrage of negative comments about him and trust, there are a myriad of them. But then I realized, he is soooo not worth it. His only redeeming qualities to me right now are that he is available to babysit since he doesn't have a job (or a prospect of one) and my son seems to like him for some reason. But I'm more than happy to let his comments slide right off my even toned caramel back right down to the crack of my enticingly round derriere that he is free to kiss in its entirety. And note to self: You wish you could be as cute as I am on a bad day!!!!

A cute boy is worth a thousand words

See, good things do come to you when you are open to them. He is soooooo cute. And I didn't just meet him. In fact I have know him for sometime. And, lets just be honest, he passed the test the first time I saw him. But I was a married woman at the time so only I knew that he could get 'IT'. Yesterday, I told him in passing about the separation. And today, I saw him again. He was clearly smitten with your girl. For the first time he slowed down his brogue and I could actually understand every word he said. And all the words were the right ones. This is a new feeling for me, in that I could really, really like him. He asked to see me again and gave me his number. I followed my dating coaches advice (thanks RubyRed) and texted my number to him a few hours later. His age tells me that he will call me instead of texting me back and I can't wait. I have to keep my composure, which is why I'm so glad I could write it all out. Truth be told, if it wouldn't ruin everything, I would screw him rhet now. But I'm a lady, and I know that is my lack of coloring and his incredible SWAG talking. So we're waiting for the call. And there are plenty of things to do in the meantime. I love liking a boy again. A part of me that was dead has awakened. Its on and poppin' now baby!!!

I have to say, despite my like/hate relationship with my boss, this has argueably been one of the best weeks of my life. No, I didn't win the lottery (hence the aforementioned fued with my boss) and I still haven't colored in many moons but I still consider everything to be on the upswing right now. I went on a psuedo-date, which went very well (imho). I feel close with P1 & P2 and I just feel excited about life in general. Now, granted, this may all change in a matter of seconds, but I plan to enjoy the moment as much as possible. Maybe this is what is meant by living in the moment. Me likee!!! I have to say, that if I don't color pretty soon, my coloring book is going to start to disentegrate, but I will save that for another post.

You have ish to do? Really?

WTF!!!!! You got put out roughly four months ago (And yes, you are a controlling batterer! Get a grip.) and you claimed in all those years to be a "family man". Yet, you can't commit to any timeframe to see your child. Two weekends a month is not something you can do right now, because you have a lot of ish coming up in the next few weekends. You are a ridiculous 42 year old joke. You haven't bought a pack of chicken, a loaf of bread or a pull-up. You are still on my insurance and my cell phone account without so much as a thank you. And really, you have such a busy schedule of being an unemployed bum that lives with his mother, that you can't be bothered to see your son on a consistent basis. I work a full time taxing job, I'm in my master's program, I'm doing volunteer hours for my internship, I cook, clean, wash, fold, drive to soccer practice and make sure to plan outings with my children at least weekly to broaden their view of the world while spending quality time. Are you F***in' kidding me??????

If I was like you, I would hit you. On behalf of my sons in defense of your sorriness. But lucky for them, I am the responsible parent. So, I walked away with out cussing you out (the way you so richly deserved) and I didn't say a word to my children about you. When he wanted to call you and tell you goodnight, I readily dialed your number and gave him the phone. Even though you used all the anytime minutes and went 100 minutes over with two weeks left in the cycle. But these are all surface issues that confirm that marrying you was a mistake. Your character is soooo flawed, that I'm afraid for my son to to have you as an example. You may have others fooled, but I know the worthlessness that is you at the core of your person. No good heart, no good person, none of that. All that and impotent too. What a catch you are. A good actor though. I'll give you that. So good riddance to bad rubbish LOSER!!!!!!!! And one day my son will see for himself, without any help from me. Too Bad, So Sad for you. But you will have had more children that you don't support by then. Because thats the stand up kind of guy you are. Hehehe:) Enjoy his unmerited adoration while it lasts, because you will never do anything to warrant it.

I take that back

While I was supposed to be studying and actually was watching a marathon of The Game I realized my last post was way harsh Ty. People get married for selfish reasons all the time. And no, if they jumped off a bridge I wouldn't do that too. But I'm saying that although I may have married for the wrong reasons, that does not lessen that I was committed to the marriage and did EVERYTHING possible to make it work. Hell, the reason why I left would not have been lessened if I married for Love. The sadness of it all is that I probably would have accepted him hitting me and controlling me a little longer if I was "IN" Love with him. But that just speaks to the low self-esteem that I inherited from the images of marriage/love that I grew up with.

Today, I am shifting my paradigm, because the truth is if he had done right by me, I would have been "IN" Love with him. If he had been "In" Love with me, he never could have raised his hand to me. His word would have meant something and he would have done everything possible to prove he was the man that I once believed he was. So forget everything I said about ruining lives. That was soooo not cool, because its blaming myself. Of course I have some fault to take. But its not all my fault. Its not even mostly my fault. I take the blame for making a bad choice and letting my pride prevent me from admitting it for far too long. But the rest, is on him. The previous post was that of a battered women drinking the kool-aid and believing I brought it on myself. Bye Farah Fawcett and take your damn burning bed with you!!!

Not the victim, the criminal!

When I dropped P2 off with soon to be ex-hubby, he had the audacity to pucker up for a kiss. At that moment I realized that I feel nothing for this man that less than two years ago I pledged my undying love and committment to. I realize that I lied, because how could it just be gone. Some ones negative actions don't erase true love, or children would be out of luck. Was I that shallow, that I just wanted to marry this man to prove a point to the CBM. I think the answer is a resounding YES!!!!! But not only did I want to beat her, I also couldn't stand the thought of being another unmarried baby mama. Yes the birth control failed me, but I didn't have to marry him. He wasn't pressing the issue, so why was I. The shame of being labeled in the same way that I label black women who perpetuate the image of women having random babies with no good men to validate the man's love for them was staring me in the mirror and I couldn't take the judgement that I so freely dish out. So yes, I admit that I have ruined some lives with my pride and baggage. But I have to pursue forgiveness because I can't change the unfortunate past.

I hope my sons don't hate me. It seems like Tyler is shifting his alliance. And I can't say that he is wrong. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to wipe away my ugly insides and start over. But the true healing won't begin until I admit the truth and apologize to those I have hurt. My pride can't stand that I'm even considering that option. But will I really be starting over, if I don't address the core issues with my constituency? No, and I can't be an image anymore. If I want to be authentic, I can't gloss this over. In fact, this is my second time on this route. Its time to get a GPS unit and ask for directions. I hate being lost. I'm ready to get on the right track.

On the Verge

As I come to the end of the last month in this house that I settled for at the beginning of the relationship that I settled for in the suburb that I settled for, I realize that all of these were my choices. Whether good, bad or in between I have been the constant in this roll-a-coaster. I say this not to say that I'm done with coasters, but that I'm only going to ride those that are my first choice. I wont decide on another because the line was too long for the one I originally wanted. I'm going to wait it out, because the one I want to ride is worth the wait. And while I'm waiting, I'm going to laugh and people watch to my heart's content. As a matter of fact, I'm going to drink $8 lemonaide and fresh cut fries in a cup while I'm waiting too. I realize that I'm going to be annoyed by people trying to cut in line and the scorching heat thats making sweat drip down my back. But it will still be the best roll-a-coaster ride ever. I will scream super-duper loud. I'm going to raise my hands high, close my eyes and open my eyes too. And when I finish the ride I might just get right back in that long ass line and do it all over again. But only if I still want to. So I'm on the verge of what Oprah calls my "Best Life". In my Best Life, I love my new house, I'm ready to start dating again and my new neighborhood is tha' business. Me likeee!!!! Yes, I'm in the line again. But this time its for the ride I really wanted ride in the first place.