Criminal Behavior

I'm up at 5 am on a Saturday, attempting to exhale my conflicting
emotions. I want to let the water inundate my body and wash away the
bottled up feelings that completing Day one of silence has created. It
has been close to 48 hours since we spoke and nearing 24 hours since I
sent the last message in a bottle. Enough time to run the gamut of the
stages of grief. Currently I am shuffling through loss and anger
peppered with moments of hurt, all marinated in longing. But I am
happy that I made it through the first day. Especially since I wanted
to make contact so many times. But I focused on other necessary
things. I pondered why you had such an issue working for me, when
these strangers that haven't experienced a fraction of the me that you
have are willing to go all out on a maybe while you could boast a sure
thing. I won't lie, I had a fleeting thought about begging. My pride
quickly dismissed it. I considered praying for you to get a grip on
reality before you squander a prize so great. I've desired to let my
hurt boil into rage and let the resulting steam cuss and hit you, but
I opted to simmer it into mild anger in the comparison of what the
other pursuers have already displayed. And that's when I started
charging you with crimes. Your record is becoming as long as my arm as
I review all the things that you should have been doing that you never
did. Yes, it is criminal to give less than you know is well deserved.
The validation that you held back and the time you neglected to spend,
but the most serious of offenses was to knowingly inflict pain on a
heart with little regard for the victim. You are now an offender
because you were a victim in the past. Even now that makes my heart
feel a pang of sorrow as I think about your pain and empathize with
how you must feel. But that doesn't give you the right to do that to
someone else. How could you do it in good conscience knowing where it
landed you? I think that's what stings the most b/c you didn't protect
me. Guilty as charged!