Well, yesterday I decided to use the mercy seat for Mama and Daddy. I said what I needed to say for many years. And out the words came, without the niceties that you wrap comments in when you're talking to your parents. Although they were not there physically, I began to really let it all out. The tears flowed, but they cleansed me too. And not to say that this means I'm totally over it, but I do have a peace today, that I didn't have yesterday. The healing has truly begun. Even if I never say the words directly to them, to hear them was so therapeutic for me. It made me realize just how much I had bottled inside me and for just how long. I have to say, it is almost inconceivable that I could have gotten two people to marry me with the amount of excess baggage that I have been carrying around for all these years. I guess its a testament to my worth in a real sense of the term. Because I can honestly admit, that I was not mentally healthy until I decided at the end of last year to really deal with me. The road is rough and there is still a ways to go, but I'm moving forward in a way that I am soooo proud of myself for. I decided to stop running and I did. Now its time to fight for the life that I have always deserved. The difference is this time I know I deserve it and no one can tell me different.
Now the backsliding is a touchy subject, but I must keep it 100. I gave him my number again. I know, it defeats the whole purpose. But I missed him. Then I started being honest with myself and I realized I wasn't as in to him as I initially thought. I was just running from dealing with the real issues at hand. So I called, then he called, then he asked to see me and I said yes. Then he came over, and I came over and over and then he came too. I needed it. Perhaps we needed it, but I don't quite feel the same as I did on the day before. I don't feel the urgency with him that I once did. I wont lie and say I don't Love him, because I do. But now I am really reviewing whether or not that makes him worthy of relationship me. I know with certainty, that we could be together long term. But perhaps I would be settling. I'm really confused about this whole situation. What I do know is that I'm on my way out emotionally. Partially, because I restricted him for the last 3 weeks and that's how long it takes to break a habit. So now I'm used to being without him. And part of it is, working on me has become more urgent than working on us. And I realized after he left, that a day will come when I could easily walk away from him. But it wasn't that day, nor is it this one. In the words of a true backslider - 'It is what it is'
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment