Dead to me

Today when I woke up, the thought of you entered my mind immediately. But instead of the surge of longing that usually accompanies the thought of you were these words 'He's Dead to me'. I realized shortly thereafter, that today was THE day. October 12th. Exactly 6 months ago we had our first date, kissed for the first time and though I'm not proud of this fact, we screwed too. I immediately regretted it, but when we began making love a few months later, the regret quickly waned. Well let me rephrase that, when I began making love to you. In retrospect you were still screwing me. And months ago I had decided that this would be the cut-off point. That I would accept at that point that because of how we started we could never be anything more. But I still hoped. I hoped that you were genuinely the man that I thought you were in the moment that I decided to break the rules and let you know me biblically. I was sucked in by your accent and how you seemed to be so enthralled with me. But how quickly that ended after you tasted the sweetness of my loins. Yet we muddled on for these few months seeming to gain ground only for it to be pushed back again and again.

Six (6) months is how long they say it takes for a man to decide you are worthy of a title. Since you continue to refer to me as a friend, I guess I can come to terms with the obvious. I'm not her. So the funeral is today. Not because of what you didn't do. But because of what I know I deserve. You don't get to string me along. We had our fun and I loved you with my entirety. But we, you, us is now dead to me. I wish you well, knowing you will never be the man that you could have been, because you are not willing to risk leaving behind the pain of the past to embark on something new. And perhaps for that reason, it is best that I never received a proper title. If I had, I would not have rested until I loved you through that pain and showed you what a relationship should be like. I guess that was not my purpose. Funny how everything all came to a head the day before this dysfunctional anniversary. You added a code to your voicemail, my final call was unanswered and in two weeks you never came to claim me. The writing is on the wall and I guess its time you were dead to me because I have been dead to you for sometime now......