When I dropped P2 off with soon to be ex-hubby, he had the audacity to pucker up for a kiss. At that moment I realized that I feel nothing for this man that less than two years ago I pledged my undying love and committment to. I realize that I lied, because how could it just be gone. Some ones negative actions don't erase true love, or children would be out of luck. Was I that shallow, that I just wanted to marry this man to prove a point to the CBM. I think the answer is a resounding YES!!!!! But not only did I want to beat her, I also couldn't stand the thought of being another unmarried baby mama. Yes the birth control failed me, but I didn't have to marry him. He wasn't pressing the issue, so why was I. The shame of being labeled in the same way that I label black women who perpetuate the image of women having random babies with no good men to validate the man's love for them was staring me in the mirror and I couldn't take the judgement that I so freely dish out. So yes, I admit that I have ruined some lives with my pride and baggage. But I have to pursue forgiveness because I can't change the unfortunate past.
I hope my sons don't hate me. It seems like Tyler is shifting his alliance. And I can't say that he is wrong. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to wipe away my ugly insides and start over. But the true healing won't begin until I admit the truth and apologize to those I have hurt. My pride can't stand that I'm even considering that option. But will I really be starting over, if I don't address the core issues with my constituency? No, and I can't be an image anymore. If I want to be authentic, I can't gloss this over. In fact, this is my second time on this route. Its time to get a GPS unit and ask for directions. I hate being lost. I'm ready to get on the right track.
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