It hurts to love you

I just realized how truly painful it has been to love you. The risk
has definitely not out weighed the reward this time. I keep trying to
channel all the pain out now to assist with the purge. But it seems to
be displaced because I have been experiencing it off and on for the
last 6 months since our inception. I guess that's why my ailed mind
clung to you. Because pain has become synonymous with love in my
thought process. How unfortunate that it took me almost 35 years to
realize that I was this screwed up mentally. But My God is sooooooooo
good b/c many never think to change their own mindset. And they let it
remain their norm. I refuse to be that person, and that will be my
motivation to get through these days. I will continue to focus on
embracing that someone can make me feel the same way you made me feel,
but be willing to give their heart in return. And they would never
accept me being hurt in the process. And that is not only highly
likely but also well deserved. Why would I accept less?

Day 2 is no joke

In the midst of day 2 and it seems particularly rough. I keep thinking
about all the things you said and all the actions. Why did you hold me
close to you and play in my hair. Why did you offer to take me on a
cruise? Why did always ask me to stay? How could you be so happy to
see me and hear my voice? Why all the acting if I meant nothing? Why
not just screw me and say you had to get up early. Why get me involved
in your business affairs? That's what I don't understand. You were
already getting the goods, why make it seem like it was more? This is
the reason that I'm so fucked up. Because I don't understand why you
would go to these extremes if it didn't mean anything. I mean really,
who does that? What kind of cruel demented person lives that way. I
want to ask you, but you won't tell me. And then I will be at day 1
again. And I can't stomach that again. I can't wait until the 21 days
have passed and you have been purged from me completely. There is no
rhyme or reason, so it makes me confused. And if I can't see the path
clearly the time seems to go by much more slowly. Come on day 2 Scram,
Beat it, knock about!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Somebody's fool

Everyone of my friends has only negative things to say about you. All
of them said I was too good for you and I shouldn't waste my time with
all of your mess. But I didn't listen. Because I wanted to believe
your words and the actions you showed on the rare moments that we
shared. The moments that only you and I know existed. These moments
made me into your fool. If I didn't have friends to talk sense into
me, I would be calling this very moment begging for your
consideration. I would be texting some extremely wordy text describing
why you should let me love you. I may even have left you a vm telling
you how everything would be better if you just gave me a chance. But
my pride won't let me do it anymore. I feel too ashamed to continue on
this route despite the internal drive to pursue a bleak road. My
saving grace is this outlet that I can share my emotions through and
pretend that you will hear and hope that you will care. Though
everyone keeps reminding me that you don't care and I mean nothing to
you. Inside I can't help but be your sucker for love. I'm merely
masking this by cutting ties. And day 2 continues.

Sent from my iPhone

Criminal Behavior

I'm up at 5 am on a Saturday, attempting to exhale my conflicting
emotions. I want to let the water inundate my body and wash away the
bottled up feelings that completing Day one of silence has created. It
has been close to 48 hours since we spoke and nearing 24 hours since I
sent the last message in a bottle. Enough time to run the gamut of the
stages of grief. Currently I am shuffling through loss and anger
peppered with moments of hurt, all marinated in longing. But I am
happy that I made it through the first day. Especially since I wanted
to make contact so many times. But I focused on other necessary
things. I pondered why you had such an issue working for me, when
these strangers that haven't experienced a fraction of the me that you
have are willing to go all out on a maybe while you could boast a sure
thing. I won't lie, I had a fleeting thought about begging. My pride
quickly dismissed it. I considered praying for you to get a grip on
reality before you squander a prize so great. I've desired to let my
hurt boil into rage and let the resulting steam cuss and hit you, but
I opted to simmer it into mild anger in the comparison of what the
other pursuers have already displayed. And that's when I started
charging you with crimes. Your record is becoming as long as my arm as
I review all the things that you should have been doing that you never
did. Yes, it is criminal to give less than you know is well deserved.
The validation that you held back and the time you neglected to spend,
but the most serious of offenses was to knowingly inflict pain on a
heart with little regard for the victim. You are now an offender
because you were a victim in the past. Even now that makes my heart
feel a pang of sorrow as I think about your pain and empathize with
how you must feel. But that doesn't give you the right to do that to
someone else. How could you do it in good conscience knowing where it
landed you? I think that's what stings the most b/c you didn't protect
me. Guilty as charged!

This needs to be the last time

Everytime I decide that it is over, I go through this sadness and feelings of loss. I need to be over this. I hate feeling like this. And I am fully aware that I'm doing this to myself. And it seems so elementary, but inside myself it is so complicated. I need this to be the last time, because I'm wasting my life longing for something that only I want. You wouldn't know it from the emotional rollercoaster that I'm continually on, but I'm actually not this person. I don't get emotionally attached to people and if I do, i can usually cut it off so easily. What has happened to me and why do I want to stay connected to this person, this drama, this hurt. My dealings with this lead me to this truth, as much as I've grown, I'm still broken. Mending yes, but not yet 100% restored. Because surely, it should be easy to let a situation go that causes more pain the pleasure. Especially, since there is no physical contact anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm honest above all else, and I know I will answer when he calls. And I will let him in if he comes by. I'm only succeeding in taking the pain in small doses. I so wish I never met him, but I did. Now What????????

I wish I never met you. Why did you have to suck me in. I wasn't bothering you at all. What a selfish asshole!!!

Ground Hogs Day

Day 1 - Take 3
Again I failed. Because I had to know if you had considered the
possibility of losing yor girl to the next man. And again your answer
was vague and uninformative. So in my mind I know you don't care. The
thought of me with someone else should send you reeling. And if you
can't verbalize that, your demeanor would still be unable to mask it.
The emotions that I assumed must truly have been just my imagination
running away with me. That being said, the third time will be a charm,
b/c, I will keep in mind the depth of your unavailability and the pain
that it causes me. While I know it's my issues with abandonment that
keep me in an emotional pursuit of the you that now I know I will
never have. I can't seem to stop myself. It's like an addiction. I'm
thinking of texting you right now. And you won't respond in the way
that I want you to. But I guess I need the straw to break the camel's
back. Some action or words that activate my fuck you gene. Something
that totally changes the way I look at you. But I know you won't
provide that b/c it's what I need and you seem to be incapable of
giving me what I need. Yet I still seek the validation of your love.
How sick and twisted of me.

Sent from my iPhone

I made a decision

Today I made a decision. And that is that I will not try to explain
the magnitude of the loss to you. Because if you don't already know
that, you are not all there. I just felt like I should warn you, b/c I
know how empty that space will be without me. You will try to fill it
with a substitute, but she will never be me. You will find out much
too late and for that reason I felt sorry for you. I tried to warn
you, but I guess you prefer to learn the hardway. That is so so
unfortunate.

Sent from my iPhone

Day 1 = Massive Fail

I couldn't last a day. What does that say about my level of stupidity?
I'm not sure exactly what it means. But after my two disaster phone
coversations from the dating site, my issues with him don't seem so
bad. But I know that is because I'm roughly a month out from the last
emotional wound. And I've stopped looking in the rear view mirror, so
the pain is very distant. whether it's love or pure dysfunction
disguised as stupidity, I don't know. What I do know is day one didn't
go as planned and he is still holding out hope and dangling it in my
face. Which, I can't lie, I want that hope because I want everything
to workout. I can't yet accept that it's really over inside even
though my intellectual side keeps reminding me otherwise. I am moving
on in action, but my heart still remains with this man that has
captured my soul. I know time will pass when I accept that it's over.
I'm just not ready to do that yet. Day 1 - Take 2.

Sent from my iPhone

Silence speaks volumes

My mind needed closure from all the mixed signals that you're so fond
of giving out. But as usual, you are too selfish to give me what I
need. I hate to think of you in the light that others have cast on
you. Yet, at some point I have to realize they can't all be wrong. As
Daddy would say, everybody was't at the crazy house while you were
away at college. I was holding out hope mostly for myself, b/c I
didn't want to be stupid. I wanted everyone to be wrong b/c they
don't know you like I do. I still find it hard to believe that you are
this person. I'm guessing that I'm the only one that is surprised. All
I ever asked of you was the truth. But that seems to be the equivalent
of multi-million dollar settlement to you. I always thought of you as
kind and good, but now I feel like you really are pretty fucked up.
Not because of what you do, but b/c you won't hold yourself
accountable for what you do. And just to be clear, this is what your
refusal to man up meant to me. Not only did you not have any honorable
intentions toward me when I was seeing you, but you haven't used me
enough in your mind, so you want to leave the door opened for more
fuckery. It also means that you are sowing some seeds that will reap a
not so pretty fold b/c your heart behind your actions is full of
deceit solely for the purpose of getting what you want. News flash
Buddy, your sex alone is not that great, as I mentioned after the
first time. It is the emotions that you falsely solicit that make it
something noteworthy. And that to me is why I will look at you in a
new light from this day forward. Because you don't just want to screw,
you want to feel loved. But the problem is you're too afraid to love
in return. I will continue to pray for you, because you so desperately
need it. Stop being a selfish asshole and deal with your issues. You
really are hurting people and I know you don't want that to come back
on you. Emotionally you couldn't take what you are so fond of giving
out.

Day 1

Sent from my iPhone

It's all clear

As I supposed the sign was already given. So I will take it as such
and stop fooling myself. The word of the day is L-I-G (Let it go)! I'm
ashamed of myself that I let the obvious fall by the wayside in the
hopes that love would conquer all. How utterly silly of me. Who is
this person I have become. And did I just become her, or was she there
all time waiting to be unearthed from the rubble after this soul
searching excavation that I have been experiencing. I need to get to
know myself again so I can evaluate how exactly I got here. And will
avoiding a similar scenario at all costs stop me from being free to
love? These crossroads continue to allude my sense of direction. I say
that, because I feel lost and without a plan of action. Just a need to
be out of this quandary ASAP!

Sent from my iPhone

The Sign

I prayed for a sign. Because I need to let go of you. I need to not
run from a man in the club that palms the small of my back the way you
do. I need to allow the other contenders a real opportunity to vy for
my affection. I need to not be consumed with you within this
controlled environment that I have devised between us. I want you
still. I can't lie and say that when I cut you off, I never thought
this much time would pass before you came to claim me. I just knew
that proper intentions would be stated and I would have a reason to be
pulled back in. I didn't think it would take you this long to realize
you couldn't live without me. I thought surely, that we would be
falling madly in love by now. But the sign I asked for has probably
come and gone. Because I don't want to admit that we won't be all that
we should be. In my mind i can't release all that we could be. I keep
making random chances to see you, because I know you will pull me
close to you as if you had been waiting for me. And I feel compelled
to make inferences from comments and gestures. I even feel inclined to
accidently on purpose eavesdrop on your phone conversation in search
of hints of my replacement. This is no life. But I just can't seem to
give up the ghost.

I never had to lig without severing all ties and cordiality. This ish
is much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel a little weaker for
being this women. I can see where emotions have gotten the best of my
usually logical mind. Which is so unlike me. Yet I can even make you
sound good on paper. In fact, I convince my star player of your merits
on a daily. I don't want to lose out b/c I couldn't stick it out. But
I can't confirm that my wait is not in total vain. Please Lord, send
me a sign.

Sent from my iPhone

miss me

The confirmation of the love makes my heart feel safer, but doesn't allow my logic to overlook actions or lack there of. Your touch, your kiss are imprinted on my brain. Your voice is butter, melting compliments and other sweet words into my ego through my ear. The connection that our soul made cannot be rationalized nor ignored. So as I lie here yearning for your presence, I know you do the same for me. I'm certain that the warmth of my supple skin is tempting you to come to me at this very moment. The gaze of lust evenly intermingled with intense fascination with every aspect of who you must be especially intoxicating to you, so I know you crave a stiff shot of the elixir that bolsters your manhood.

I'm not sad, but I do recognize that your space still remains, waiting for only you to fill it. But I won't ask again. The words have been uttered into the universe and what will be, will be. So miss me with the pretense of business as the reason for your call, because it is a poor charade for your inquiry into my dealings. I know you miss me, how could you not? But the weird thing is, you don't have to miss me. I'm available to you at every level that a person can be available to another. But I will not let you access those secret parts until you can release your fears and embrace your opportunity for what you so desperately long for.

The best you goggles are off

Now that I have taken sex off the table, I can look at you in the true
light of who you actually are. And that would be the selfish user
category. I've learned something about myself from this massive fail,
and that is that when I'm interested in a person, I view them as there
best possible person they could be. But as Choklate so simply states
'Time Tells The Greatest Story'. So now your actions have smoked you
out. And your sob story is just another way to take advantage of the
nurture that women are prone to, and take all that they are willing to
give while you know all along you are there only to pillage and
squander with no intention of giving anything in return. And that
makes you far worse than many b/c you actually knowingly play with
peoples emotions. At first I felt empathy for you, but now I feel
disgust b/c you are weak and pathetic. And playing the victim role so
you don't have to do what's right. Every time I think about your
methodology, I think about the depth of dirtball that you actually are
and I want something bad to happen to you. But that would make me like
you, and that is something that I will never be.
Kick Rocks,
G.

Sent from my iPhone

Moving Forward with just a little backsliding

Well, yesterday I decided to use the mercy seat for Mama and Daddy. I said what I needed to say for many years. And out the words came, without the niceties that you wrap comments in when you're talking to your parents. Although they were not there physically, I began to really let it all out. The tears flowed, but they cleansed me too. And not to say that this means I'm totally over it, but I do have a peace today, that I didn't have yesterday. The healing has truly begun. Even if I never say the words directly to them, to hear them was so therapeutic for me. It made me realize just how much I had bottled inside me and for just how long. I have to say, it is almost inconceivable that I could have gotten two people to marry me with the amount of excess baggage that I have been carrying around for all these years. I guess its a testament to my worth in a real sense of the term. Because I can honestly admit, that I was not mentally healthy until I decided at the end of last year to really deal with me. The road is rough and there is still a ways to go, but I'm moving forward in a way that I am soooo proud of myself for. I decided to stop running and I did. Now its time to fight for the life that I have always deserved. The difference is this time I know I deserve it and no one can tell me different.

Now the backsliding is a touchy subject, but I must keep it 100. I gave him my number again. I know, it defeats the whole purpose. But I missed him. Then I started being honest with myself and I realized I wasn't as in to him as I initially thought. I was just running from dealing with the real issues at hand. So I called, then he called, then he asked to see me and I said yes. Then he came over, and I came over and over and then he came too. I needed it. Perhaps we needed it, but I don't quite feel the same as I did on the day before. I don't feel the urgency with him that I once did. I wont lie and say I don't Love him, because I do. But now I am really reviewing whether or not that makes him worthy of relationship me. I know with certainty, that we could be together long term. But perhaps I would be settling. I'm really confused about this whole situation. What I do know is that I'm on my way out emotionally. Partially, because I restricted him for the last 3 weeks and that's how long it takes to break a habit. So now I'm used to being without him. And part of it is, working on me has become more urgent than working on us. And I realized after he left, that a day will come when I could easily walk away from him. But it wasn't that day, nor is it this one. In the words of a true backslider - 'It is what it is'

Those aren't your tears

I start this off by saying, God is Good all the time and All the time God is good. Today was an awakening for me, because I realized I'm not crying over someone that I spent maybe a month of hours with over the course of 6 months. I'm crying for all the tears I never shed. I'm crying because my mother was in prison for most of my childhood. I'm crying because my father was a crack addict that abandoned me at 15. I'm crying because I've lost two marriages/two families. Yet as I look back over my life I realized that I had never shed a tear for these tragedies. I cut off emotionally, and I moved on mentally. But I realize now that, the pain didn't heal, I just buried it away far from where I would ever be able to feel it. And now on something as trivial as a fling ending, the tears have begun to shed. Not because I was so in love with this man I barely knew. But because the cistern is finally full and the tears are overflowing. They are cleansing, so I will let them flow, despite the redness and puffiness that comes with them. I will let them flow, so I can heal the wounds of my past knowing that when they are dried, I will have weathered this storm and not just hid myself away from it until it passed. I will be the me that I dreamed of being when I prayed that 2009 would be a transformational year. What I'm most excited about is that when I have cried all the tears, I will be full of hope again. Ready to embark on this thing we call life.

Dead to me

Today when I woke up, the thought of you entered my mind immediately. But instead of the surge of longing that usually accompanies the thought of you were these words 'He's Dead to me'. I realized shortly thereafter, that today was THE day. October 12th. Exactly 6 months ago we had our first date, kissed for the first time and though I'm not proud of this fact, we screwed too. I immediately regretted it, but when we began making love a few months later, the regret quickly waned. Well let me rephrase that, when I began making love to you. In retrospect you were still screwing me. And months ago I had decided that this would be the cut-off point. That I would accept at that point that because of how we started we could never be anything more. But I still hoped. I hoped that you were genuinely the man that I thought you were in the moment that I decided to break the rules and let you know me biblically. I was sucked in by your accent and how you seemed to be so enthralled with me. But how quickly that ended after you tasted the sweetness of my loins. Yet we muddled on for these few months seeming to gain ground only for it to be pushed back again and again.

Six (6) months is how long they say it takes for a man to decide you are worthy of a title. Since you continue to refer to me as a friend, I guess I can come to terms with the obvious. I'm not her. So the funeral is today. Not because of what you didn't do. But because of what I know I deserve. You don't get to string me along. We had our fun and I loved you with my entirety. But we, you, us is now dead to me. I wish you well, knowing you will never be the man that you could have been, because you are not willing to risk leaving behind the pain of the past to embark on something new. And perhaps for that reason, it is best that I never received a proper title. If I had, I would not have rested until I loved you through that pain and showed you what a relationship should be like. I guess that was not my purpose. Funny how everything all came to a head the day before this dysfunctional anniversary. You added a code to your voicemail, my final call was unanswered and in two weeks you never came to claim me. The writing is on the wall and I guess its time you were dead to me because I have been dead to you for sometime now......

The nights get hard sometimes

The boys are gone and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Its true what they say, it is a loss and you must grieve. But why does it have to hurt so much. I wish you would come to the door and tell me you can't live without me. But I know in my heart that that moment will likely not occur. All I wanted was to love you and simply for you to love me in return. Despite my knowledge of your emotional unavailability hiding under the guise of a lackluster relationship in which you refer to her as friend after more than a year. You say she is the reason, but I know she isn't. I know you are hiding because you are afraid to risk being involved at a level that could eventually cause you pain. Right now, in the midst of the pain, I can't say that I blame you for wanting to avoid it. But I'm not a punk. I won't give up on the possibility of love. It will be a hard road back, but I will weather the terrain. I feel stupid for wishing you would want me, but its the reality of my existence today. Soon I won't feel that way, but that is not today. I got so low today, that I called. But you didn't answer and I remembered why I ended it. That is the feeling that I want to forget and never encounter again. The feeling that I know I would continue to feel if I held on for the good moments. And there were good moments. I knew I would love you from the moment you kissed me. How could that be empty to you? How can you fake that? You should be an actor. But I guess you were and I was the sole audience member watching the show. Your performance was believable to me. I would nominate you for an Oscar. Because I believed that I couldn't be this far in with someone that didn't feel equally for me. But I was wrong. I was the fool. Or as you say a 'Sucker for Love'. in my mind, I can't fathom that you don't miss me. Or that you don't crave my affection. Was it that simple to write off. If so, give me a lesson so I can be over you too.

I'm holding my tears back, but they are brimming out. Maybe if I let them flow, they will wash away the pain. I better let them flow. I need the release.

Role Playing

My mind came across this last evening and continues to dwell on it this morning, so of course I must share. Good sex is wonderful (I like it, I love it, I want more of it :)), but devoid of a relationship it is lackluster and unfulfilling. This is why I felt the unrest inside about us. Because I see that you are a Man in every since of the word. So I assumed that that would transpire into you being my Man. But of course the old adage about assuming is always lingering around to make an ass out of me. At this age and stage in life, I'm done playing. I came to terms with a very important truth about myself, I want a Man or nothing at all. Because anything less would only leave me longing, as two failed marriages and the remnants of what we had clearly display. And while I know you could very easily fill the role of my Man, you would only be playing a role if it isn't what you want. Much like I have been playing the unknowing role of side chick or cheated on chick (not quite sure which one at this point), but no more. Life is short and real Love is too sweet to waste time pretending to be something that you're not nor do you want to be. Selah.....

Technology is making me do some crazy ish!

All I was trying to do was use a little web application to call directly to your voicemail, so I could answer the question that you asked me without have to speak directly to you. And low and behold the application called directly into your voicemail, for which you don't have a password. So of course, I had no choice but to listen to all your messages. I was grateful to know that you had been saving my messages and there weren't any other messages. But now I have to keep checking to listen to any other messages. I want to hear her voice and know that her calls aren't always answered. I want to hear the level of urgency in her voice when she says call me back. I want to hear her panic level when you haven't called for a while. I want to know if she loves you more than I do and why you have to keep seeing her. I want to hear what it is about her that makes you want her around, but not enough to committ to her and not start seeing me. As if I could hear that in her voice. But maybe it takes one to know one.

The funny thing is I called the soon to be ex-husbands phone to see if it would work. But I had no desire to hear his messages. What exactly does that mean? I'm not quite sure, but I know that I'm in love with you and only you. Which is why I am currently crazed. My appetite is at a bare minimum, the house is a mess, I haven't cooked in a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Which is exactly why I didn't need to find out I could hear your messages. I didn't need to find any other anonymous way to stalk you while I'm waiting for you to demand that I give you my new number and talk to you again, or as I look out the window for your car in the drive way as you knock on my door to convince me that you can't live without me, not even while I'm waiting for you to realize that you Love me more than you realized and these days with out me have been torture. Anytime now will be fine........