I didn't ask for much

I didn't mind that we weren't in a committed relationship, I just wanted to know that I was special to you. I didn't ask for all your time, I just needed some love and affection. I didn't ask that you give me what I really deserved, I just wanted to feel secure that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me. I didn't care that you weren't perfect, I just wanted to know you were trying. You didn't have to change to receive my love, I just wanted you to let me know the love was shared. Everything else was negotiable. But it seems I'm the only one willing to compromise, while you only deal in your own absolutes. I'm tired now and I can only let go. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Unconditional Love Always,
G.

Fly, Fly Away.....

I love you. I can't deny that fact. Honestly, I think I love you to the fullest extent that one can love another individual. And while this gives me the wherewithal to stick it out and compromise, it does not make me believe that you are the end all/be all of my life. That being said, I will ask whatever questions I choose and I will be exactly who I am at any given moment. So, if that means that you need to pull back, do just that. But what you will not do is hold the possibility of pulling out over my head as a threat or proposed deterrent to make me respond to your bull ish in a manner that down plays your effed up actions. Don't think for a moment that my love for you has made me desperate. I am fine with letting you go, if it means that I stood my ground to be respected and treated in the same manner with which I treat you. I will not play the position that you have grown accustomed to women playing so they can have a small piece of you. I'm not brainwashed into believing that you are the prize. I know my value, and it is not dictated by you. Therefore Love, do as you wish and if you don't like my behavior, take this advice....'Fly, Fly, Away.....

Love Note to my #1

Dear God,
Sometimes when I think of how much you love me, I feel overwhelmed and
I wonder why you love me. Then I realize it is simply because I am
yours which in turn makes you mine. I cherish my relationship with you
immensely, because without it I realize that I would just be a shell
of who I am. I know that I can never repay you for filling the void
that I had carried for 30+ years. But I plan to show you my
appreciation over the next 30+ years. Everyday I pray that people will
realize that the love we seek in the world is already waiting for us
with You. Words can't express the joy I feel every morning knowing
that you are right there with me. I love you so much that words can't
really articulate the depth of it. It's a good thing that you know my
heart, because I don't have to try to give it words. I look forward to
our continued life together filled with the joy, peace and love that
only you can provide.

All my love,
All my life,
Me

Never been loved.....

You told me that you don't love me, that you have love in your heart for me. I still don't know exactly what that means. What I do know is that despite the dysfunction of our relationship, I did always believe that you loved me unconditionally at the core of who I am. In fact, I thought you were the only one that ever had. I'm not angry that you don't love me. You don't owe me that. I'm just back a square one, because now the one that I thought loved me did not. Apparently, I have never been loved for the person that I am. Surely, I have been loved for what I bring to the table, my attributes are many and this is not surprising. But I am reeling because that kind of love that I thought you had for me, which I still have whole heartedly for you is still aluding me. Now my mind hears the words that he used to say when we were still married. My thoughts linger on whether he was right in saying no one will ever want me but him. Perhaps it is something that I will never experience. I mean, we are in year 35 and still nada. I have been holding back tears for days since I came to the realization that the one that I thought loved me did not. And it was that perception that propelled me into loving myself more. And I still do, so if a skewed perception got me there, I will not discount it. But it still hurts. Not the empty pain that I felt before I loved myself or realized God's love for me. It is more of a yearning for an unknown place that I've never been nor hold directions to. But the loss of your love, I guess its not a loss because I never really had it, begs the question 'Will I ever know what real love feels like'. Can someone ever love me?

Seed to the sower

Early on in life most of us have experienced hurt and we operate from
that point on from a place of reducing the likelihood of it happening
again. So we wait until someone extends themselves to the point that
we feel comfortable in revealing a small part of ourselves in return.
But instead of going all in based on what we feel and what we really
want in the relationship regardless of the outcome. But it is
precisely this love that has abandoned ego to fall in...exactly as the
moment is. This kind of love regenerates itself continually,
transcending time and space in the way that maternal love does. So
while we look to our partners to refill us as we impart our gift of
love it is actually the release of love that generates the refilling.
God promised seed to the sower, so as long as we give, we will receive
in like kind. If you don't feel loved enough, quite simply you're not
loving enough.
Early on in life most of us have experienced hurt and we operate from
that point on from a place of reducing the likelihood of it happening
again. So we wait until someone extends themselves to the point that
we feel comfortable in revealing a small part of ourselves in return.
But instead of going all in based on what we feel and what we really
want in the relationship regardless of the outcome. But it is
precisely this love that has abandoned ego to fall in...exactly as the
moment is. This kind of love regenerates itself continually,
transcending time and space in the way that maternal love does. So
while we look to our partners to refill us as we impart our gift of
love it is actually the release of love that generates the refilling.
God promised seed to the sower, so as long as we give, we will receive
in like kind. If you don't feel loved enough, quite simply you're not
loving enough.

Love Note

Dear CoCo_Savant,

I LOVE YOU!!!! I love you through all space and time. Mine is an unconditional love that can never diminish despite your actions or lack thereof. You are worthy of the greatest things that life has to offer and I will do everything in my power to see you obtain all your heart's desires. Your beauty is one that emanates from within, so as you've grown in spirit by way of love, you become increasingly more physically attractive. In fact you become prettier with each passing day. Your shape embodies all that is craved in a woman and your body holds the promise of pleasure that many will only dream of in this lifetime. Your conversations drip wisdom while being sufficiently peppered with humor and compassion. I love you beyond measure and I will never place another above you save God alone. Yet he dwells so strongly within you that loving you is loving Him simultaneously. Your consistent happiness is my ultimate goal and I will not rest until you dwell continually in the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Wait no longer for the love you so desperately seek has already arrived and is here for you to partake of. Come, Taste and See....

All My Love,
All My Life,
Coco_Savant

The whole truth and nothing but

I told the truth, and now I'm sitting here wondering if you will come home tonight. You said I could do whatever I wanted and that you didn't care if I saw other people and perhaps you care so little for me that you really don't. But despite your words to the contrary I still believe that you love me and what man wants the women that he loves to be with someone else. Although I haven't been intimate with anyone, I did spend a little time behind your back. Honestly, I would cut everyone off if I thought it would mean their was the slightest chance of you and I being. But right now I'm operating under the fear that you will never want me and that is why the back up plan dude seems needed. I don't want to hurt you. I only want to sow a seed that will return to me what I am imparting in to you.
I want to call you but I'm afraid to run you farther away. In the words of Chocklate. Time Tells All.

That feeling in the pit

Right now I have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Perhaps
it is from the soup that you made, but I suspect not. I think I hold
in my gut a bowl full of uncertainty about you and I. My friends say
unanimously that I should let it go. And clearly I could begin to see
other people even if we continue whatever it is that we have going.
But I would only be going through the motions pretending at best that
I have the slightest interest in being with someone else. In the words
of Oprah, what I know for sure is that I love you unconditionally
beyond all space and time. I would wait for you whole heartedly and
have no issue with it. I wonder if you are trying to push me away out
of fear that you don't deserve a love so pure and true. I also think
your self esteem has told you that I'm too good for you. But know that
you are me and I you, so there is no distinction between the two at
the core of who we are. I want to try to convince you to give it the
old college try. I hate to admit it, but I want to beg you too.
Ashamedly, I must admit that the thought of getting pregnant has
crossed my mind just so we could have some connection always. Luckily
my love for you would never allow me to betray you in that way. I am
trying so hard to be detached from the outcome of you and I. But
unfortunately, I breathe you, so it is difficult to imagine an
existence without you and I together. Love should be easier than this.
It should roll in gently and maintain it's position consistently with
lilttle or no rocking of the boat. So they say. And who exactly is
'they'. I have long since relinquished my pride but I hold that back
from you. Not because I think you would misuse the information, but
because I think it would be a burden to you. I say it inside so many
times in a day, but I LOVE you sooooooooo much. It consumes me to the
point that I question who I am at times. Yet I can't let go. I don't
want the world view of this situation. I only want what is in the
spirit for us. I only want to release the feeling in the pit of my
stomach.

A storm of uncertainty

My mind continually races to the what if's of what the future brings.
In that race I rush ahead but there is no visibility. The naysayers
cheer loudly that I have no chance of winning this race, which
discourages me far more than I'd like to admit. But I not they,
control my destiny already earmarked for me at the finish line. I am
the only hinderence and it is because I have changed my focus from
offering my best performance to worrying if others think I'm deserving
of victory. The words of the crowd have laden my load. Yet if victory
is not to elude me, I must drop the extra weight that I have picked up
along the way. I will then push myself beyond limits that even I knew
I could. But first I have to put one foot in front of the other and
focus on the task at hand. The reality that the race is not given to
the swift but to those that endure to the end must become my mantra.
And my ears must be closed to any thoughts that enter my mind to the
contrary. To sum it up. I must embrace each moment as it is and accept
that it is exactly as it should be.

Love really is stronger than pride

I'm sitting here thinking of you. Wanting to call, but not wanting to seem desperate; wanting to continue to pursue, because you haven't told me not to. In fact, you appear to want my attention on some level. I just can't really figure out what level that is. I determine how I will operate with you, with this one inclination "What would I do if my pride/ego was not an issue?". Of course this always operates in your favor. Because I give kind words or pick up the phone to call when my pride is screaming out "Eff that NINJA!!!! You are the prize, not him!". Yet, I want to operate by sowing seeds of love even if you aren't where I will reap the return. This sounds so existential and impressive as I type it, but this ish is not at all an easy task. In fact, I keep questioning the validity of continuing to sow a seed that seems to be on oh so questionable ground. One thing remains certain, you are one of the few people on earth that are loved unconditionally by another individual that is not their parent or child. And against such there is no law. So I continue on this path, hoping that one day I will see clearly how are paths will intersect. Bask in this love, you need it!

The real me

These last few months/weeks/days have been life altering in more ways than I have time to detail here. In fact, there may be a character limitation that would prevent all those words. Suffice it to say, I am a different me, if that makes sense. But not a fake me, but the core me that had been hidden behind fear and ignorance. I have come to terms with so many things about myself, some painful and many enligtening moments. I literally am a totally different person internally. I look at people in a different non-judgemental way, because I know I was not long ago where they are. I finally know what it means to love myself. Imagine it taking me 35 years to learn to love myself. Well better late than never..... Thank the Lord for not so small miracles.

A call from....

Hello is this ****? Yes it is. I'm not trying to call to harass you, but I'm dealing with ***** and I saw your number in his phone........

That was how my work day begin when I decided to take a chance and answer a 'BLOCKED' call (which I never do) on my cell. But I thought perhaps it was work related since I was off-site today. Surprise, surprise.......

Funny thing is, this isn't even the person that you said you were seeing. This is a whole other person and she had a list of names besides. Everything makes so much sense now. And I move on with a clear heart, knowing that you could never love me because you don't even love yourself. I can't deny that I Love you. But the beauty of it all is that now I Love me more. So my self-esteem is winning over my concern for your acceptance. And for that I thank God. Because He let me see that it wasn't me. It was you. Apparently you have a pattern and this caller is experiencing the same thing I did a few months ago. I pray her strength too, knowing that all the things you told her were a replay to my ears. I told her I hope getting caught makes him straighten up, but deep down I know you won't change. You will only swap playmates until they tire of your games. In the words of Tony,Toni,Tone "I don't wish you no bad luck baby, I don't wish you no pain". I don't have to question myself a moment longer and I won't for another moment long for something that was ill-fated from the onset. The closure I so desperately needed finally came today. Muah!!!

P.S. Be careful because Karma is a BIATCH!!!!!!

I see me

Sometimes life teaches you a lesson that you feel you must share. Not in a valiant effort to share with the universe my great enlightenment, but more to come clean about a glaring error. I just realized a major mistake that I have made multiple times, suffered devastating pain and consequences from and yet had never even considered seriously, let alone attempted to learn from. This is truly a reminder that ignorance can definitely be bliss. But the first step is admitting I have a problem. So here goes my confession....
In my attempt to never be wrong, I tried (unsucessfully) to make my bad choices seem right by committing to them even when I KNEW how wrong they were. Seems benign when described in writing, yet clearly I have altered lives in the process. In my defense, it seemed that the only person that would hurt from these endeavors was me and I guess that was a more suitable option than owning up to my mistakes or admitting that I was wrong. Well, how wrong I was. How TRULY wrong I was!!! Now I understand why you shouldn't get serious on the rebound. I see myself for who I am for one of the first times in my life and I am determined to correct this major character flaw. When you know better, you do better.

I Love You More

When you said those words, although they stung, they did not surprise. Your actions have said as much for the last few months. I was lulled into a false sense of being mistaken by how you acted recently, but you got me right together the moment you let the words come across your tongue. 'I love her more than I love you'. It even hurts to read them. But I'm so glad you said it. Because it makes me feel like a complete idiot for loving you more than I have ever loved anyone else. Which in turn ensures that I will not initiate contact with you again. For a moment, as I mull over your voice saying those words, it makes me question my beauty, my intelligence, my kind heart, my purpose in life. Yet I soon realize this isn't warranted. I can't say that lessens the pain at all. Right now, I'm still at the point where water wells up in my eyes whenever I think about it. But pride keeps me from sending any foolish text or voice mail that would tell you of my pain. Don't get me wrong, if you asked I would tell you. Hell, if you asked I would probably still screw you. But lucky for me, you won't. You won't call to find out how many tears have been shed or any such folly. Which only goes to reinforce just how true those words are for you.

Of course in retrospect, I say I would never have let myself get involved with you had I known. But woulda, coulda and shoulda always have 20/20 vision in the aftermath. None of that will change where I am now - In love with someone that isn't in love with me. I hate this destination, and try to stay as far away from it as humanly possible. But you picked me up and dropped me off without even telling me where we were going. I want to hate you. In fact, I want to be non-chalant and indifferent to you. But since I really love you, that is extremely difficult. I want to plead my case and explain what a catch I am, but my pride won't let me go that route (Thank the Lord for that). I keep hoping that the way I feel for you is just a fluke and I will be over it in just a few more days. And perhaps I will. For now, Raheem DeVaughn plays in the background reminding me where my heart is as he sings 'Guess Who Love You More.....'

Try try again

I had written something else and it was erased. Guess that means it wasn't meant to be posted. Or perhaps it was too carefully written which compromised the authenticity of the content. Perhaps in my knowledge that others would be reading it, I filtered it beyond it's worth and rendered it ineffectual. Not exactly sure what happened. But I will let it ride and go no holds barred this time.

I'm tired of being by myself. It's cold and I want to be held and kept warm. I want someone else to check my oil and make sure my battery is strong enough to withstand this cold spell. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I need a male role model for my sons because I can't show them how to BE a man. I need someone to be a help mate to, because that is what I was created to do and without operating in that role I do feel like a piece of me is missing. I haven't become desperate yet, but at what point does that happen? Or am I at the crossroad that turns you into a bitter bitch? It seems so unfair. I did what I was supposed to do. I focused on myself inside and out. I am maintaining a household and raising my children. I have a relationship with God that probably rivals most. And I know how to cater to my man in everyway possible. Yet there is no viable candidate and I will spend another night rolling into a cold spot in the king sized bed.

I keep on a happy face and stay in a mindset of gratitude. But today got to me. I needed to get it off my chest so I could start fresh tomorrow. I shed a few tears today to release the pain on the inside. I'm telling myself everything is going to be okay and hoping my words are true. I'll close my eyes soon and try try again to remember that this too shall pass.