Each moment is customized

When you take the time to be engulfed in the moment, you can see that
everything about it is Divinely created for the individual that is
experiencing it. So no two experiences could ever be compared. So
never judge that of another.

Receive the unimaginable

Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I realizes that when you ask God for
something specific, you hinder the receipt of the gifts he has
prepared for us. If we are grateful for his gifts, he continually
gives us the desires of our hearts, but his version of those wants are
far greater than we could ever imagine. That's why out requests could
never encompass all that He wants us to enjoy.

Fwd: Drama Queen

> I have never fancied myself as much of an actress, especially since
> I am probably THE Worst liar ever (if not I'll do until he/she gets
> here). But I have reviewed some of the history between the cute boi
> and myself and I have to be honest in that I have gone overboard
> with overly emotional internal responses on more than a few
> occasions. I of course would never admit this openly, but I figure
> writing about it here is at least a step in the right direction.
> Especially with his accent, I have misunderstood things many times
> and quit him in my mind only to find out later that I had inferred
> something that was not the case or mistook a word or three. So
> I think in addition to my quiet apology I have also learned a
> valuable lesson. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat anxiously
> anticipating this revelation. Well here it is in a nutshell, I need
> to 'Chill the F*** Out!' Seems like. A simple task and for most, it
> probably is. I of course am not one of those people. Which is
> clearly why I was on my way to give the cute boy the good bye
> forever speech for the umteenth time, but before I could do that,
> during a brief conversation, I realized that I had taken his silent
> pause as a far, far, FAR more than it actually was. The thought that
> it was just a silent pause never crossed my mind. In fact my
> beautiful mind concocted roughly 5-6 scenarios all of which cast him
> the part of the asshole. Hence the ensuing emotional response and
> subsequent banishment that I had planned. After talking to him I had
> to admit (only to my star MFin' player that I had gone way too far).
> Lucky for me, I deal with my neuroticism within, so no one was the
> wiser about my mental dalliance. But it begs the question, would we
> be further down the road if I wasn't continually pulling back and
> alienating him because of the stories I made up in my head??
> Definitely something to think about. Well as I go off to accept my
> internal Oscar for my stellar work as a drama queen in the comedy/
> drama that is my life, I'll have to give that question some much
> needed pondering and overreact accordingly.

Thanks for the reminder

I listened to the words you said. I wanted them to be true so badly.
In fact I went to that place at that time with that outfit on, b/c I
knew it would peak your interest. But I thought the outcome would be
am enlightened you. I thought you would have realized the magnitude of
your loss and attempted toake reparations. While my heart was clinging
to the words, craving for them to have a renewed depth and meaning; my
brain was screaming halt, check the actions for confirmation. I'm glad
that instruction was given, b/c as always you came through to show
your real intent, which rarely comes into contact with your words. And
with that comes that good reminder of why it will never be anything of
depth. That rude awakening is given once again. The expletives want to
roll off my tongue. But I must remind myself of these things: You can
only be who you are. And I would be insane to think that would change.
Not that it's an impossibility, it's just not where you are. Though I
have said it on far too many occassions, I must give you credit for
making it true; this is a done deal. I accept that and I release you
from every expectation that I ever had for you. Along with that is my
forgiveness for the hurt you caused as well as blessings and prayers
for you. My love for you has officially moved from the 'In Love'
column to the 'love for humanity' column. I'm allowing the seed I've
sown to be transplanted on good fertile soil instead of this barren
unproductive soil. God bless you and good night......

Feeling some kind of way

In general, it is safe to say that I am a pretty upbeat person. I have on more than one occasion received nicknames that included 'optimistic' as an adjective in front of it. So suffice it to say, that I rarely ever feel sad or down for very long. But today, I am feeling some kind of way. And I think it may be the prospect of the holidays as a single person. I won't be alone on the holiday. In fact, 90% of the time I have my two princes in tow, so I'm rarely ever actually alone. But it has been over 10 years since I was actually single during the holiday season. And I'm not quite sure what the protocol is for this. Now, I'm not complaining, b/c last Thanksgiving, I was wondering if I was going to receive a holiday smack or worse from the artist formerly known as my husband. I think the tinge of sadness that I feel is based on the knowledge that in spades terminology, I don't even have a strong possible. Which I have to say is of some concern. A - because I am not voluntarily practicing celibacy and a girl has needs. B - not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty fly as women go. And I mean that in a holistic sense. I'm talking total package (cute, fine, smart, funny, spiritual, financially independent, etc.) And I feel like I'm doing my part. I'm doing everything 'they' say you should do in life. But I am not meeting men that can say the same. And since my awakening, I have come to the understanding that I deserve reciprocity. I am trying to remain positive. It just gets a little heavy sometimes. I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. HO HUM!!!!!!

Contemplation

I went to bed with this on my mind and woke up with the same. I
continue to ponder this question in my mind 'Is a piece of you better
than nothing at all. In the scheme of things, this seems overly
dramatic. We are both single which means we are free to see whomever
we like. So while I am kissing (or better yet, not kissing frogs) is
it reasonable for me to keep you on deck for the intimacy that you
would provide? It seems like a no brainer. But the problem lies in
this fact. I am still in love with you. Which begs another question
'Can I limit my relationship with you to just the moments we share no
matter how few and far between those moments may be. The truth, I have
no effin' idea. Track record says probably not. But I didn't know what
I know now before. And when I think of the time we have spent, I feel
about ready to sign on for more. But with that, I go back on my word
and will you view me as just another with no resolve with whom you can
have your way with. You don't deserve my pie, yet I can't imagine
giving anyone else a slice. I can't expect your actions to be
different, so I would have to accept that I would be one of as opposed
to 'the one' and that can wear on the self esteem. But the alternative
appears much worse to me which is to not feel your touch at all, nor
have you say just the right combination of dirty words while you do
what only you can do, nor have you hold me with one hand and play in
my fro with the other. There are a number of things that I just don't
want to live without, but I also care not to be your fool. So I lie
here contemplating how I can make my next move my best move .........

In the Soup

Well today is like most externally. Kids, work, side hustle, kids, sleep and start the grind all over again. But something is different inside. I am starting to realize my purpose in life and it is leading to some significant plans. Its exciting and scary all at the same time. I guess I had a bit of what Oprah would deem an Aha! moment. But it seems like it would have been much more exciting, perhaps with a little pomp and circumstance. Maybe a few streamers and a horn. Or what about a few fireworks from the guy with the tent on the side of the road. Nope. Just me and an internal peace that everything will work out exactly as it should. Check me out sounding all existential and what not:) This year has been full of some amazing growth (which stemmed from a great deal of pain) and while I haven't arrived, I'm well on my way. I'm still battling with the crazy lady to keep herself composed. But I have to say, since I have cut out the drama that inevitably arises from loving someone that doesn't love me back - she hasn't really been coming around lately. And I'm not mad at her. I'm knocking on the door of harmony in life.

Now the question arises, is it possible to be in a relationship and still be in the soup of transformation? Do you have to become the final product first or is it enough that the person understands that you're on a journey and you would like them to ride shotgun. It seems like a reasonable request, except I hate long car trips (I digress). But seriously, I think it is all fine and good as long as the two of you are on a parallel journey. If you are both going, but at varying speeds, will that work? Or what if the journey becomes too difficult for one of you and you decide to stay where you are. Is that a relationship deal breaker? Questions, questions, questions???? And I haven't even found someone that I consider worthy of road dog status yet. The saga continues while I'm singing 'Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride'

Torn

You called because I haven't been calling you. And you feel the need to tell me you miss me, only because you suspect someone else is taking up the time that I used to infuse with you on any given opportunity. Why is it that my stock goes up when I try to move on? Even worse, he isn't you. So, while he is a good guy and attentive to me, you still have my heart. And I realize that at any given moment, if you decided you wanted me, I would hurt his feelings instantly and run to you. I know we could be together and he would treat me well and be proud to have me. But when I run to you, you will lose interest again and you won't be willing to give me what I need. So why is my heart torn. And why do I wish he was you. Why do I crave your kisses and your touch, when he would love to provide me those things? You are 'A' Soul mate. Notice, I no longer think there is only one. And I know we could have a beautiful life together. But because of your past, this has become so difficult. Now I am more confused than I should be based on our history. But my heart is unwilling to let go, though my brilliant mind quit you some time ago. Which means I am torn within myself, struggling between my heart and mind with neither being a clear victor in the arena of my soul. My heart believes that you are all that I want and need and we will live together in perfect harmony. But my mind only sees the pain you've caused and the sacrifices you aren't willing to make on my behalf. The truth resides somewhere in the midst of the two. And for now, I remain torn.

Still Wifey in my mind

Although the end of the marriage is close at hand and none to soon I might add, I have not come to terms in my mind with dating multiple people simultaneously. So when I start liking a dude, I'm good on putting my eggs in that basket, until they fall out of the proverbial hole in the basket. But apparently, that isn't the way the process works. I remember dating multiple people simultaneously when I had no intention of a relationship, but it seems difficult to focus on vetting relationship qualifications for more than one person all at the same time. I feel like my approach is more like going to one restaurant and getting different menu items each time you visit to determine the ranking of the restaurant. While multiple dating would be like going to a food court and getting something from multiple restaurants each time, but the items would all start to taste alike because you're eating them at the same time. You can't really give an unbiased opinion on whom had the best food, because everything is just kind of running all together.

I hate when I fall off my high horse

Okay. An unfortunate turn of events. I'm actually the one that is in
need of change. I have been sitting here all day, fancying myself so
perfect, but it is me that needed the lesson. I haven't yet mastered
it. And when I do(and know that I won't stop until I do), I will have
the secret figured out. This will rival any self help phenomena
around. So I must breakthru. And stop running. That is the
reciprocity, that you make me better by letting me humble my self and
be a servant when I didn't want to but it was the right thing to do.
So even if you never reciprocate it to me, my sown seed will return to
me in the spirit that I give. And we will both be better in the
process. But I will also have learned the lesson of unconditional love.

I feel the progress

Day 2 is now in the rear view mirror. And I'm beginning to see signs
announcing the distance until day 3 is complete. I don't want to be
with him less nor has the stupidity of love waned. But my perspective
is shifting. As I continue to review the reality of our
'relationship', it becomes increasingly clear that I'm fighting for
something that doesn't exist. A happily ever after that would not come
to fruition, even if we had the appropriate titles. My mind is
separating from my heart and taking a stand. This stand will prevent
me from making the mistakes of the past. I will no longer seek out
relationships based on glimpses into who a man can be, but I will
focus my selection process on the measure that the man displays
through his day to day actions. I know that within me is the ability
to draw this man to me, if I so choose to take on that endeavor. But I
vowed I would not do that again. Because two tick marks in the loss
column of me vs marriage has shown me that his presence will not be
enough. His actions would still have to line up or I will shut off and
release myself in due time. So I really do feel the progress and that
makes the pain of the loss a little easier to digest. I also feel
proud of myself that I am putting my best interest above someone
else's. And that is definitely a relationship road less traveled for
me. Day 3 here I come :)

Sent from my iPhone