I was getting the blahs about my academic procrastination, but then I was reminded of the brilliant mind that I'm blessed with and realized "Its All Good"

I keep having naughty thoughts. But since I'm not seeing anyone there is no face. Just hands and a body. Strange huh?

The new locale is more than I could have asked for. Thank God for small miracles.

Its all coming together. Moving on Friday, filing the Big D on Monday. Best Life here I come!!!!

My internal crazy lady should not have access to a phone with a qwerty keyboard. She is capable of not calling a person. But she just can't resist sending a nasty text message when she feels it is well deserved. And it doesn't help that I'm watching my weight, so my internal fat lady is encouraging my internal crazy lady to act a fool!! In the words of DMX " Y'all gon make me lose my mind up in here, up in here!"

for me to follow, my father unwittingly made me such an indepth thinker that even though I have gotten myself enmeshed in these relationship pitfalls repeatedly, my mind can never accept them as logical and I realize that I need to escape the situation. I guess dear old Daddy was good for something.

So I can't be at all surprised that the men I have dealt with ended up taking advantage of all my attributes and never really offering any real reciprocity. Still, I believed their words even though the actions were so different. I know that I have value, but I guess now I must come to terms with being able to feel that I am deservant of someone of like value. It seems simple, but I still see myself being a self sabateur and not requiring what I bring. I
this is such a no brainer. For now, I resolve to fake it until I make it. So I am going to perhaps backburner E-harmony and any real dating prospects until I can work through this issue. One thing I can definitely say about this is, I am grateful that despite my mother being a subconscience example

Up after 1 a.m. due to 5 hour energy drink and another self-couching session. It has just occurred to me that being the daughter of a pimp is hard to shake emotionally. I realize that in every relationship I've been in, I felt like I had to have a higher stock than my partner so they would see the benefits of me and want to keep me around. And by doing this, I was pimping myself out, because I didn't require anything from them but words and the idea of family. Much like the average prostitute.

I just did something extremely stupid. I need to get my esteem together.

Blogging and maximizing my unlimited messages. I love it!!!!!

Your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear what your saying!!!!

I'm so grateful for this blog right now, because it is keeping me from being crazy stalker girl. Well the lesson learned is I have to monitor myself for listening to words that don't match actions. I can't lie, I was almost sucked in on two fronts this week. But thank God, I have this hatred of being made to look like a dumb a$$. Honestly, I believed him for more than a day and I had actually started feeling sorry for him. But one thing H1 left me with was to never let a man talk when you know he has lied, because if you have any emotional connection you will let him suck you back in. I have to keep it 100 and admit that it hurts that the one that you married, supported financially/emotionally and made you compromise practically every relationship standard you ever held for yourself doesn't even respect you enough to not talk to women on the cell phone that you are paying for for hours on end in the wee hours of the night when you have full access to review his account information. Hell, I guess it shouldn't be surprising since he had no problem choking, slapping and manhandling me. That's the biggest disrespect. This actually pales in comparison. Yet I was holding out hope that maybe he did really love me and was going to change to win me back. So much for that theory.

And the cute boy has already crashed and burned into the abyss of being a liar for no reason. It could have been an ideal friends w/benefits arrangement. Unfortunately, for the lady with the mostly impotent and sexually unimaginative soon to be ex-hubby this will never be. I totally fault myself for taking him seriously initially. That just goes to show that I am still a hopeless romantic and I do believe that people "fall" in love. I'm glad to know that I haven't morphed into a bitter man hater. Thank God I'm moving, and I can leave both of the lying degenerates behind pretty seamlessly. Of course there is the exchange of P2 from time to time. But by and large, I am out of the woods on any real emotional dealings. I think I may shed one last tear and then its a WRAP!

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, we took the jump with the Cute Boy. Do I regret it? No, because it made me realize that I want Love. One that includes intelligent conversation, stomach wrenching laughter and yes, incredible sex. But it has to be all of that. Any portion is not enough. Now don't get me wrong, the ink on the Big 'D' is not even dry yet. So I'm just having fun and making friends. If it turns into something else down the road so be it. But I have no expectations. Thats why I'm enjoying life taking one day at a time.

And just a side note, after "Super Dad" expressed that he had changed, he proceeded to tell me he wasn't going to argue with my pissy 'A$$'. Change? Really???????? Laughable. And I can't even give it anymore time and energy. Another day, a better way!

How important is intellect if I'm only dating????

The cute boy is soooo sweet, hard working, honest, cooks and did i mention cute. However, after 15+ hours of phone conversation in 5 days and a pending date, he has not said anything that has stimulated me mentally. I'm not expecting a rocket science dissertation, but maybe a mention of a book read or an insightful remark here and there. Maybe I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. I mean after all, I'm not trying to get married. I'm just a little afraid that the novelty will get old quickly and then I may actually want to be indulged in some witty banter peppered with moments of inspiration and muted brilliance. This isn't too much to ask, since I will happily return the effort.

Another bone of contention is that he has never asked me what I do for a living, what I'm studying in school or what my future goals/objectives are. I've heard that men don't want a women that is super focused on her career, but to not at all be curious about what I do all day seems extreme. And is that ok with me???? I don't really think so.

Now this is my quandary, I could definitely see myself having fun with him, dating and enjoying life for a little while. But will I get a little antsy when we can't have a conversation of any real depth. Or when he doesn't see why I have to stay in this weekend and finish a paper. And then will I have to look to his looks and island sexcapades to placate me. I mean, that doesn't really sound bad. But what if he wants to marry me at some point. Will I agree and miss out on something that is important to me or will I say no and break his heart. Its easier to get out of a relationship before it gets started. But that also means that I won't have given it a real chance. This must be the delima of many a man who marries a trophy wife. I guess women are really becoming equal. Thanks for nothing Gloria Steinem!

That precisely why you're my ex

My ex-husband volunteered to me that my Facebook picture (the same as my profile pic here) was very unattractive. First, I thought of cussing him and saying something about him and his 5'1" 4ft wide wife, then I thought better of that option and came to the realization, that his negative comments about me and constant berating was the reason our marriage ended. And I'm always glad for the remembrance of the ish-hole that was my marriage to come to mind from time to time so I will never long for anything other than a platonic relationship with him. In the midst of the second big D, I was initially tempted into remembering only the good things about this dude. But he never lets me down and always comes back to the table with his reigning title of A$$hole Supreme whenever there is any extended communication between us. I could go on in a barrage of negative comments about him and trust, there are a myriad of them. But then I realized, he is soooo not worth it. His only redeeming qualities to me right now are that he is available to babysit since he doesn't have a job (or a prospect of one) and my son seems to like him for some reason. But I'm more than happy to let his comments slide right off my even toned caramel back right down to the crack of my enticingly round derriere that he is free to kiss in its entirety. And note to self: You wish you could be as cute as I am on a bad day!!!!

A cute boy is worth a thousand words

See, good things do come to you when you are open to them. He is soooooo cute. And I didn't just meet him. In fact I have know him for sometime. And, lets just be honest, he passed the test the first time I saw him. But I was a married woman at the time so only I knew that he could get 'IT'. Yesterday, I told him in passing about the separation. And today, I saw him again. He was clearly smitten with your girl. For the first time he slowed down his brogue and I could actually understand every word he said. And all the words were the right ones. This is a new feeling for me, in that I could really, really like him. He asked to see me again and gave me his number. I followed my dating coaches advice (thanks RubyRed) and texted my number to him a few hours later. His age tells me that he will call me instead of texting me back and I can't wait. I have to keep my composure, which is why I'm so glad I could write it all out. Truth be told, if it wouldn't ruin everything, I would screw him rhet now. But I'm a lady, and I know that is my lack of coloring and his incredible SWAG talking. So we're waiting for the call. And there are plenty of things to do in the meantime. I love liking a boy again. A part of me that was dead has awakened. Its on and poppin' now baby!!!

I have to say, despite my like/hate relationship with my boss, this has argueably been one of the best weeks of my life. No, I didn't win the lottery (hence the aforementioned fued with my boss) and I still haven't colored in many moons but I still consider everything to be on the upswing right now. I went on a psuedo-date, which went very well (imho). I feel close with P1 & P2 and I just feel excited about life in general. Now, granted, this may all change in a matter of seconds, but I plan to enjoy the moment as much as possible. Maybe this is what is meant by living in the moment. Me likee!!! I have to say, that if I don't color pretty soon, my coloring book is going to start to disentegrate, but I will save that for another post.