I see me

Sometimes life teaches you a lesson that you feel you must share. Not in a valiant effort to share with the universe my great enlightenment, but more to come clean about a glaring error. I just realized a major mistake that I have made multiple times, suffered devastating pain and consequences from and yet had never even considered seriously, let alone attempted to learn from. This is truly a reminder that ignorance can definitely be bliss. But the first step is admitting I have a problem. So here goes my confession....
In my attempt to never be wrong, I tried (unsucessfully) to make my bad choices seem right by committing to them even when I KNEW how wrong they were. Seems benign when described in writing, yet clearly I have altered lives in the process. In my defense, it seemed that the only person that would hurt from these endeavors was me and I guess that was a more suitable option than owning up to my mistakes or admitting that I was wrong. Well, how wrong I was. How TRULY wrong I was!!! Now I understand why you shouldn't get serious on the rebound. I see myself for who I am for one of the first times in my life and I am determined to correct this major character flaw. When you know better, you do better.

I Love You More

When you said those words, although they stung, they did not surprise. Your actions have said as much for the last few months. I was lulled into a false sense of being mistaken by how you acted recently, but you got me right together the moment you let the words come across your tongue. 'I love her more than I love you'. It even hurts to read them. But I'm so glad you said it. Because it makes me feel like a complete idiot for loving you more than I have ever loved anyone else. Which in turn ensures that I will not initiate contact with you again. For a moment, as I mull over your voice saying those words, it makes me question my beauty, my intelligence, my kind heart, my purpose in life. Yet I soon realize this isn't warranted. I can't say that lessens the pain at all. Right now, I'm still at the point where water wells up in my eyes whenever I think about it. But pride keeps me from sending any foolish text or voice mail that would tell you of my pain. Don't get me wrong, if you asked I would tell you. Hell, if you asked I would probably still screw you. But lucky for me, you won't. You won't call to find out how many tears have been shed or any such folly. Which only goes to reinforce just how true those words are for you.

Of course in retrospect, I say I would never have let myself get involved with you had I known. But woulda, coulda and shoulda always have 20/20 vision in the aftermath. None of that will change where I am now - In love with someone that isn't in love with me. I hate this destination, and try to stay as far away from it as humanly possible. But you picked me up and dropped me off without even telling me where we were going. I want to hate you. In fact, I want to be non-chalant and indifferent to you. But since I really love you, that is extremely difficult. I want to plead my case and explain what a catch I am, but my pride won't let me go that route (Thank the Lord for that). I keep hoping that the way I feel for you is just a fluke and I will be over it in just a few more days. And perhaps I will. For now, Raheem DeVaughn plays in the background reminding me where my heart is as he sings 'Guess Who Love You More.....'

Try try again

I had written something else and it was erased. Guess that means it wasn't meant to be posted. Or perhaps it was too carefully written which compromised the authenticity of the content. Perhaps in my knowledge that others would be reading it, I filtered it beyond it's worth and rendered it ineffectual. Not exactly sure what happened. But I will let it ride and go no holds barred this time.

I'm tired of being by myself. It's cold and I want to be held and kept warm. I want someone else to check my oil and make sure my battery is strong enough to withstand this cold spell. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I need a male role model for my sons because I can't show them how to BE a man. I need someone to be a help mate to, because that is what I was created to do and without operating in that role I do feel like a piece of me is missing. I haven't become desperate yet, but at what point does that happen? Or am I at the crossroad that turns you into a bitter bitch? It seems so unfair. I did what I was supposed to do. I focused on myself inside and out. I am maintaining a household and raising my children. I have a relationship with God that probably rivals most. And I know how to cater to my man in everyway possible. Yet there is no viable candidate and I will spend another night rolling into a cold spot in the king sized bed.

I keep on a happy face and stay in a mindset of gratitude. But today got to me. I needed to get it off my chest so I could start fresh tomorrow. I shed a few tears today to release the pain on the inside. I'm telling myself everything is going to be okay and hoping my words are true. I'll close my eyes soon and try try again to remember that this too shall pass.