You have ish to do? Really?

WTF!!!!! You got put out roughly four months ago (And yes, you are a controlling batterer! Get a grip.) and you claimed in all those years to be a "family man". Yet, you can't commit to any timeframe to see your child. Two weekends a month is not something you can do right now, because you have a lot of ish coming up in the next few weekends. You are a ridiculous 42 year old joke. You haven't bought a pack of chicken, a loaf of bread or a pull-up. You are still on my insurance and my cell phone account without so much as a thank you. And really, you have such a busy schedule of being an unemployed bum that lives with his mother, that you can't be bothered to see your son on a consistent basis. I work a full time taxing job, I'm in my master's program, I'm doing volunteer hours for my internship, I cook, clean, wash, fold, drive to soccer practice and make sure to plan outings with my children at least weekly to broaden their view of the world while spending quality time. Are you F***in' kidding me??????

If I was like you, I would hit you. On behalf of my sons in defense of your sorriness. But lucky for them, I am the responsible parent. So, I walked away with out cussing you out (the way you so richly deserved) and I didn't say a word to my children about you. When he wanted to call you and tell you goodnight, I readily dialed your number and gave him the phone. Even though you used all the anytime minutes and went 100 minutes over with two weeks left in the cycle. But these are all surface issues that confirm that marrying you was a mistake. Your character is soooo flawed, that I'm afraid for my son to to have you as an example. You may have others fooled, but I know the worthlessness that is you at the core of your person. No good heart, no good person, none of that. All that and impotent too. What a catch you are. A good actor though. I'll give you that. So good riddance to bad rubbish LOSER!!!!!!!! And one day my son will see for himself, without any help from me. Too Bad, So Sad for you. But you will have had more children that you don't support by then. Because thats the stand up kind of guy you are. Hehehe:) Enjoy his unmerited adoration while it lasts, because you will never do anything to warrant it.

I take that back

While I was supposed to be studying and actually was watching a marathon of The Game I realized my last post was way harsh Ty. People get married for selfish reasons all the time. And no, if they jumped off a bridge I wouldn't do that too. But I'm saying that although I may have married for the wrong reasons, that does not lessen that I was committed to the marriage and did EVERYTHING possible to make it work. Hell, the reason why I left would not have been lessened if I married for Love. The sadness of it all is that I probably would have accepted him hitting me and controlling me a little longer if I was "IN" Love with him. But that just speaks to the low self-esteem that I inherited from the images of marriage/love that I grew up with.

Today, I am shifting my paradigm, because the truth is if he had done right by me, I would have been "IN" Love with him. If he had been "In" Love with me, he never could have raised his hand to me. His word would have meant something and he would have done everything possible to prove he was the man that I once believed he was. So forget everything I said about ruining lives. That was soooo not cool, because its blaming myself. Of course I have some fault to take. But its not all my fault. Its not even mostly my fault. I take the blame for making a bad choice and letting my pride prevent me from admitting it for far too long. But the rest, is on him. The previous post was that of a battered women drinking the kool-aid and believing I brought it on myself. Bye Farah Fawcett and take your damn burning bed with you!!!

Not the victim, the criminal!

When I dropped P2 off with soon to be ex-hubby, he had the audacity to pucker up for a kiss. At that moment I realized that I feel nothing for this man that less than two years ago I pledged my undying love and committment to. I realize that I lied, because how could it just be gone. Some ones negative actions don't erase true love, or children would be out of luck. Was I that shallow, that I just wanted to marry this man to prove a point to the CBM. I think the answer is a resounding YES!!!!! But not only did I want to beat her, I also couldn't stand the thought of being another unmarried baby mama. Yes the birth control failed me, but I didn't have to marry him. He wasn't pressing the issue, so why was I. The shame of being labeled in the same way that I label black women who perpetuate the image of women having random babies with no good men to validate the man's love for them was staring me in the mirror and I couldn't take the judgement that I so freely dish out. So yes, I admit that I have ruined some lives with my pride and baggage. But I have to pursue forgiveness because I can't change the unfortunate past.

I hope my sons don't hate me. It seems like Tyler is shifting his alliance. And I can't say that he is wrong. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to wipe away my ugly insides and start over. But the true healing won't begin until I admit the truth and apologize to those I have hurt. My pride can't stand that I'm even considering that option. But will I really be starting over, if I don't address the core issues with my constituency? No, and I can't be an image anymore. If I want to be authentic, I can't gloss this over. In fact, this is my second time on this route. Its time to get a GPS unit and ask for directions. I hate being lost. I'm ready to get on the right track.

On the Verge

As I come to the end of the last month in this house that I settled for at the beginning of the relationship that I settled for in the suburb that I settled for, I realize that all of these were my choices. Whether good, bad or in between I have been the constant in this roll-a-coaster. I say this not to say that I'm done with coasters, but that I'm only going to ride those that are my first choice. I wont decide on another because the line was too long for the one I originally wanted. I'm going to wait it out, because the one I want to ride is worth the wait. And while I'm waiting, I'm going to laugh and people watch to my heart's content. As a matter of fact, I'm going to drink $8 lemonaide and fresh cut fries in a cup while I'm waiting too. I realize that I'm going to be annoyed by people trying to cut in line and the scorching heat thats making sweat drip down my back. But it will still be the best roll-a-coaster ride ever. I will scream super-duper loud. I'm going to raise my hands high, close my eyes and open my eyes too. And when I finish the ride I might just get right back in that long ass line and do it all over again. But only if I still want to. So I'm on the verge of what Oprah calls my "Best Life". In my Best Life, I love my new house, I'm ready to start dating again and my new neighborhood is tha' business. Me likeee!!!! Yes, I'm in the line again. But this time its for the ride I really wanted ride in the first place.