Never been loved.....

You told me that you don't love me, that you have love in your heart for me. I still don't know exactly what that means. What I do know is that despite the dysfunction of our relationship, I did always believe that you loved me unconditionally at the core of who I am. In fact, I thought you were the only one that ever had. I'm not angry that you don't love me. You don't owe me that. I'm just back a square one, because now the one that I thought loved me did not. Apparently, I have never been loved for the person that I am. Surely, I have been loved for what I bring to the table, my attributes are many and this is not surprising. But I am reeling because that kind of love that I thought you had for me, which I still have whole heartedly for you is still aluding me. Now my mind hears the words that he used to say when we were still married. My thoughts linger on whether he was right in saying no one will ever want me but him. Perhaps it is something that I will never experience. I mean, we are in year 35 and still nada. I have been holding back tears for days since I came to the realization that the one that I thought loved me did not. And it was that perception that propelled me into loving myself more. And I still do, so if a skewed perception got me there, I will not discount it. But it still hurts. Not the empty pain that I felt before I loved myself or realized God's love for me. It is more of a yearning for an unknown place that I've never been nor hold directions to. But the loss of your love, I guess its not a loss because I never really had it, begs the question 'Will I ever know what real love feels like'. Can someone ever love me?

Seed to the sower

Early on in life most of us have experienced hurt and we operate from
that point on from a place of reducing the likelihood of it happening
again. So we wait until someone extends themselves to the point that
we feel comfortable in revealing a small part of ourselves in return.
But instead of going all in based on what we feel and what we really
want in the relationship regardless of the outcome. But it is
precisely this love that has abandoned ego to fall in...exactly as the
moment is. This kind of love regenerates itself continually,
transcending time and space in the way that maternal love does. So
while we look to our partners to refill us as we impart our gift of
love it is actually the release of love that generates the refilling.
God promised seed to the sower, so as long as we give, we will receive
in like kind. If you don't feel loved enough, quite simply you're not
loving enough.
Early on in life most of us have experienced hurt and we operate from
that point on from a place of reducing the likelihood of it happening
again. So we wait until someone extends themselves to the point that
we feel comfortable in revealing a small part of ourselves in return.
But instead of going all in based on what we feel and what we really
want in the relationship regardless of the outcome. But it is
precisely this love that has abandoned ego to fall in...exactly as the
moment is. This kind of love regenerates itself continually,
transcending time and space in the way that maternal love does. So
while we look to our partners to refill us as we impart our gift of
love it is actually the release of love that generates the refilling.
God promised seed to the sower, so as long as we give, we will receive
in like kind. If you don't feel loved enough, quite simply you're not
loving enough.