Same ole' Same ole' but Finding the Way

But this time there is Eric. Eric Roberson that is. I'd like to take this time to give him a shout out for letting me wet my pillow with tears as I listened to 'FInd the Way' over and over and over.....you get the picture.

'How can I have you and never really have you? At least not like I want to'

Call me crazy, but I thought you were sincere. I thought we were going somewhere. But maybe I just told myself that to make me think I was more than a repeated sexual conquest. Perhaps I needed to believe it to function in the "relationship". Who knows now, because hindsight is always 20/20. Well I blinded myself for LOVE again. I loved you, but the feeling clearly wasn't mutual. That's why you could be laid up with the next, while I couldn't rest as I wondered why the phone hadn't rung for 3 nights in a row. And we hadn't been on that path for a few months, so it was surprising. But mostly hurtful, because I thought we were past that. I guess I was but you weren't. I guess it was easier to lie to me than to just say, 'we will never be what you want and need'. You owed me that much at least.

'Your heart should not be shared, or should not be compared to any other love thats there. That's just not fair'

As I knocked on your door after midnight, with my ear to the door, I heard the Chi-lites singing 'Didn't I Blow Your Mind This Time' and truly you did that. At that moment, what I already knew in my gut became crystal clear to my ears and eyes as I watched the door not open. The one that you claimed to not be seeing anymore, was in fact being seen and presumably screwed as well. While I banged like a crazy lady outside the green door wanting an explanation. Yes I came over uninvited! Just as you did at my door a few nights prior. But fortunately for you, my heart never lied so I welcomed you in and made love to you as though your unexpected arrival was the highlight of my day. However, I did call first. In fact I called several times, but you decided I wasn't deserving of an answer. Which is why I drove 40 miles in the middle of the night, because I had to know. And I couldn't accept the words that you were saying because they were so removed from the truth and I sensed it with that knowing intuition that God gives us. And now I KNOW. That we were just a figment of my imagination. That all the words you said meant nothing more to me than the carbon dioxide that came out of your mouth with them. A waste product that I was taking in as I breathed you into the core of my being. But I'm choking now, because I mistakenly accepted those garbage words as life's breath when in fact it was just Co2 being emitted.

'I'm down to lose you for a chance to gain you. Even if all I gain is the respect that you see in me'

I would be lying if for a moment I said I no longer love you. But that too shall pass. Maybe not entirely, but enough so that I can move on and let someone else benefit from the depth, the height and the breadth of the love that I was offering you. Of course I will continue to wonder why you turned down so precious a gift from so stunning a gift giver. But I will never truly know. Because you will only lie. That is why my number is changed. That is why I can't even know you any longer. All I wanted was to love you and for you to love me too. I accepted you as you were. And it was enough for me. But I guess it was too much for you.

'You know that I need you, but boy not this way. I want so much more than what you'll give today'

Right now the days and nights are just running together with the hurt and pain as I grieve the loss. Wondering if you care and to what degree. But that offers no consolation to my tears. What solace can there be in unreciprocated love? So I'll continue to comfort myself with Eric's words and wet the pillow with my tears and then this too shall pass......

'If its meant to be than I trust that it will find the way'